How Not to be ‘Hurt Bae’!

The Star (St. Lucia) - - THE LIGHT SIDE - A column about love, re­la­tion­ships, dat­ing and ev­ery­thing in between by Sadie Love.

Iwas un­able to watch in en­tirety the “Hurt Bae” in­ter­view cir­cu­lat­ing on so­cial me­dia last week. In case you missed it, the video fea­tured a young cou­ple who'd bro­ken up talk­ing can­didly in an at­tempt to teach view­ers a thing or two about clo­sure. Not sur­pris­ingly, it back­fired. For the pur­poses of the in­ter­view they both tossed ques­tions back and forth. Al­most im­me­di­ately, the fo­cus shifted to the woman's ex, a se­rial cheater. She put to him ques­tions rang­ing from the women he'd cheated with, what he'd done with them, and why. Unashamedly, he told her he did “ev­ery­thing” with count­less fe­males, even go­ing so far as ask­ing her why she'd stayed in the first place!

I sat open-mouthed wait­ing in an­tic­i­pa­tion for this woman ei­ther to walk out of the in­ter­view room or punch him in the face. She did nei­ther. In­stead she sat there in tears, lis­ten­ing to his hurt­ful words, up un­til the end of the in­ter­view when he said ca­su­ally that he hoped to be given the op­por­tu­nity to see her grow into the won­der­ful woman he knew she would be. Like he de­served that!

In the days after the in­ter­view was re­leased nu­mer­ous memes and par­ody videos popped up all over Face­book. The more hu­mor­ous of those fo­cused on what most peo­ple agreed would have been the ap­pro­pri­ate re­sponse of a Caribbean woman to a bla­tantly cheat­ing man. Let's just say the man in the spoof video didn't ex­actly get up from that drop kick to the chest!

I am in no way con­don­ing vi­o­lence, par­tic­u­larly in sce­nar­ios that in­volve in­fi­delity. But I do think we are liv­ing in times when peo­ple have be­come self­ish be­yond their own com­pre­hen­sion. I see it first-hand in the sto­ries I hear all the time from my friends and from peo­ple I don't know. Too of­ten women are the ones hurt as so­ci­ety con­tin­ues to en­cour­age a damn near glut­tonous men­tal­ity, for men in par­tic­u­lar. Women, ei­ther be­cause we're stupid or be­cause of some faulty wiring that makes us be­lieve we can make ev­ery­thing bet­ter, in­clud­ing men, con­tinue to put our­selves out there for the ones we love with su­per hu­man re­solve. No mat­ter what.

An ar­ti­cle in Van­ity Fair this week fea­tur­ing Ri­hanna deep­ened my per­spec­tive. She re­flected on her re­la­tion­ship with Chris Brown. It's no se­cret what hap­pened there, and Ri­hanna ad­mit­ted theirs hadn't been a bed of roses. Yet she'd al­ways been “very pro­tec­tive” of him.

“I felt that peo­ple didn't un­der­stand him,” she told VF, “even after . . . but you know, you re­al­ize after a while that in that sit­u­a­tion you're the en­emy . . . If you say I'm will­ing to put up with some­thing, they think less of you - be­cause they know you don't de­serve what they're go­ing to give. And if you put up with it, maybe you are agree­ing that you [de­serve] this, and that's when I fi­nally had to say, ‘Uh-oh, I was stupid think­ing I was built for this.' Some­times you just have to walk away.”

If that wasn't enough I read an­other ar­ti­cle about a woman with a nar­cis­sis­tic hus­band who had an af­fair and blamed her! "It took a while for it to sink in,” she wrote in a pub­lished let­ter to her hus­band. “It wasn't me who was messed up. It was you. All these years, I had been bend­ing to your will, to keep you happy . . . I moulded my­self around you to pro­tect you be­cause you had seemed such a sen­si­tive soul. Look­ing back, I can't be­lieve how blind I was.”

Ma­ter­nal in­stincts? Is that what it is? The thing that leaves so many women blind and bound to un­healthy sit­u­a­tions? I found my­self com­par­ing the two ar­ti­cles be­cause they re­flected what women, in­clud­ing my­self, do over and over again. We see a weak­ness and we're right there try­ing to com­pen­sate for that, and some men will ad­mit to be­ing weak, but then we think with our help they can be made strong, and sup­ported into their best selves. But more of­ten than not we're the ones who pay the price. In Ri­hanna's words, we're the ones “try­ing to be some­one's guardian an­gel”.

I have no doubts "Hurt Bae" had her own sus­pi­cions about her beau, but loved him any­way, hop­ing he'd change. She has since re­sponded to com­ments on the video say­ing the in­ter­view hap­pened a long time ago, that she has since moved on. Nev­er­the­less, ma­ter­nal in­stincts or not, we can al­ways save our­selves the heartache by be­liev­ing peo­ple the first time they demon­strate to us who they re­ally are!

Even Ri­hanna has con­fessed to be­ing hurt in the past for lov­ing past the point of logic!

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