RYAN REYNOLDS IS EXACTLY LIKE YOU
(EXCEPT THAT HE’S MARRIED TO A STUNNING WOMAN, AND HE’S RICH AND FAMOUS.)
Except he’s been married to a stunning woman, and he’s rich and famous.
RRyan Reynolds’ face looks like a badly bruised scrotal sac. Those are his words, not ours. Actually, if you want to get literal about it, his exact words are “an ancient, deep-fried, badly bruised scrotal sac.”
And from our vantage point, that’s an accurate description. As for the rest of his body, it’s not faring much better. His hands are covered in blistering skin and brown spots. His neck is sprouting carbuncles. His feet are reminiscent of a diabetic Gollum’s. Or, as Ryan sums up his general appearance: “I look like somebody who has had sex with pure radiation.”
It’s strangely satisfying to see the actor in this state. It levels the playing field, at least a little.
This is a guy who gets a lot of attention for being easy on the eyes. Women love him. Some of the women who love him are famous. Like Blake Lively, the blonde stunner he first met on the set of 2011’s Green Lantern, a superhero flick that flickered out prematurely. He married her two years later, so by now he has seen her naked, like, a bunch of times.
So it’s nice to see People magazine’s 2010 Sexiest Man Alive like this, lounging in his trailer in a sweat suit and Crocs, like an old, hairless man waiting for a bowel movement, his best days long behind him.
Except none of it is real. Ryan’s face has been deranged by prosthetic makeup. He’s in Vancouver, his hometown, for a few reshoots of Deadpool, his latest attempt at headlining a superhero movie.
Even if you can accept this repellent man at face value, it’s hard to feel superior. Something about him is just so… relatable.
This is not a word usually associated with big movie stars who have hot wives and gigantic bank accounts. But that’s not the case with him. He exudes normality. If there’s any ego there, it’s well concealed.
You try to remind yourself not to believe any of it. He’s an actor, and all actors are emotional manipulators. But within minutes of meeting him, your cynicism is gone and it’s like you’re having beers with an old university pal.
Which is to say, it gets very immature very fast.
At one point, he mentions that his Deadpool makeup takes an hour and a half to remove, followed by a soak in a hot bathtub back at his hotel, while the remnants of the prosthetics slowly dissolve and slough sickly off his body. Men’s Health: Well, obviously
that’s where this interview should be happening. Ryan Reynolds (RR): Absolutely. We’re doing that, right? You’re coming back with me? Sure. And maybe we pop open a bottle of chardonnay?
We’ll smoke a couple of stogies, listen to some Nana Mouskouri, light a few candles. We’ll need a lot of candles. Hundreds of candles. Like that Police video for Wrapped Around Your Finger. And what are your thoughts on some gentle, cordial foot rubbing? For you or…?
I’m the one getting the massage. I want you to use some olive oil, really dig your fingers in. You know anything about reflexology? Where you hit certain pressure points and it’s like a map to your brain? What kind of reaction are you looking for exactly?
I want you to find that spot on my foot where you press it in a certain way, and you’re like: “Aaaand you’re peeing.” We’re not familiar with that spot. Wouldn’t that be an amazing superpower – knowing where to press on someone’s neck to make him immediately urinate? That’s a great premise for a superhero movie.
Totally. Just a guy who walks up to bad guys, touches them on their pressure points, and says: “Aaaand you’re peeing.” You’ve got the superhero catchphrase already.
“Aaaand you're peeing.” Just you wait – every kid in America is going to be saying that line next year. Ryan has a reputation for being guarded about his personal life. But he’s not bashful today. He tells stories about his wife, the former Gossip Girl star who sets off a TMZ frenzy whenever she appears in a bikini, and how she’s basically “a human GPS.”