Men's Health (Singapore) - - CONTENTS -

Ex­cept he’s been mar­ried to a stun­ning wo­man, and he’s rich and fa­mous.

RRyan Reynolds’ face looks like a badly bruised scro­tal sac. Those are his words, not ours. Ac­tu­ally, if you want to get lit­eral about it, his ex­act words are “an an­cient, deep-fried, badly bruised scro­tal sac.”

And from our van­tage point, that’s an ac­cu­rate de­scrip­tion. As for the rest of his body, it’s not far­ing much bet­ter. His hands are cov­ered in blis­ter­ing skin and brown spots. His neck is sprout­ing car­bun­cles. His feet are rem­i­nis­cent of a di­a­betic Gol­lum’s. Or, as Ryan sums up his gen­eral ap­pear­ance: “I look like some­body who has had sex with pure ra­di­a­tion.”

It’s strangely sat­is­fy­ing to see the ac­tor in this state. It lev­els the play­ing field, at least a lit­tle.

This is a guy who gets a lot of at­ten­tion for be­ing easy on the eyes. Women love him. Some of the women who love him are fa­mous. Like Blake Lively, the blonde stun­ner he first met on the set of 2011’s Green Lantern, a su­per­hero flick that flick­ered out pre­ma­turely. He mar­ried her two years later, so by now he has seen her naked, like, a bunch of times.

So it’s nice to see Peo­ple mag­a­zine’s 2010 Sexiest Man Alive like this, loung­ing in his trailer in a sweat suit and Crocs, like an old, hair­less man wait­ing for a bowel move­ment, his best days long be­hind him.

Ex­cept none of it is real. Ryan’s face has been de­ranged by pros­thetic makeup. He’s in Van­cou­ver, his home­town, for a few reshoots of Dead­pool, his lat­est at­tempt at head­lin­ing a su­per­hero movie.

Even if you can ac­cept this re­pel­lent man at face value, it’s hard to feel su­pe­rior. Some­thing about him is just so… re­lat­able.

This is not a word usu­ally as­so­ciated with big movie stars who have hot wives and gi­gan­tic bank ac­counts. But that’s not the case with him. He ex­udes nor­mal­ity. If there’s any ego there, it’s well con­cealed.

You try to re­mind your­self not to be­lieve any of it. He’s an ac­tor, and all ac­tors are emo­tional ma­nip­u­la­tors. But within min­utes of meet­ing him, your cyn­i­cism is gone and it’s like you’re hav­ing beers with an old uni­ver­sity pal.

Which is to say, it gets very im­ma­ture very fast.

At one point, he men­tions that his Dead­pool makeup takes an hour and a half to re­move, fol­lowed by a soak in a hot bath­tub back at his ho­tel, while the rem­nants of the pros­thet­ics slowly dis­solve and slough sickly off his body. Men’s Health: Well, ob­vi­ously

that’s where this in­ter­view should be hap­pen­ing. Ryan Reynolds (RR): Ab­so­lutely. We’re do­ing that, right? You’re com­ing back with me? Sure. And maybe we pop open a bot­tle of chardon­nay?

We’ll smoke a cou­ple of sto­gies, lis­ten to some Nana Mousk­ouri, light a few can­dles. We’ll need a lot of can­dles. Hun­dreds of can­dles. Like that Po­lice video for Wrapped Around Your Fin­ger. And what are your thoughts on some gen­tle, cor­dial foot rub­bing? For you or…?

I’m the one get­ting the mas­sage. I want you to use some olive oil, re­ally dig your fin­gers in. You know any­thing about re­flex­ol­ogy? Where you hit cer­tain pres­sure points and it’s like a map to your brain? What kind of re­ac­tion are you look­ing for ex­actly?

I want you to find that spot on my foot where you press it in a cer­tain way, and you’re like: “Aaaand you’re pee­ing.” We’re not fa­mil­iar with that spot. Wouldn’t that be an amaz­ing su­per­power – know­ing where to press on some­one’s neck to make him im­me­di­ately uri­nate? That’s a great premise for a su­per­hero movie.

To­tally. Just a guy who walks up to bad guys, touches them on their pres­sure points, and says: “Aaaand you’re pee­ing.” You’ve got the su­per­hero catch­phrase al­ready.

“Aaaand you're pee­ing.” Just you wait – ev­ery kid in Amer­ica is go­ing to be say­ing that line next year. Ryan has a rep­u­ta­tion for be­ing guarded about his per­sonal life. But he’s not bash­ful to­day. He tells sto­ries about his wife, the for­mer Gos­sip Girl star who sets off a TMZ frenzy when­ever she ap­pears in a bikini, and how she’s ba­si­cally “a hu­man GPS.”

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