Brides Essence - - Contents - By Grant Der­rick

THE DRESS : TOO BIG OR TOO SMALL The best way to over­come this is to try the dress on about a week be­fore the day. You are not go­ing to swell or shrink con­sid­er­ably in a week and you will have enough time fix the dress. How­ever if it is on your day, there are some pointer to help :

If your dress is too small and the zip (zip­per for Amer­i­canese peo­ple) wants to “go home” then a sim­ple safety pin can be used in­side the dress to hold the zip in place as long as is needed. Some nee­dle and thread can also pro­vide a quick make- shift so­lu­tion. An­other thing that will help is to avoid car­bon­ated drinks and pro­cessed grain prod­ucts as these can bloat you and thus ag­gra­vate the prob­lem – drink still wa­ter in­stead. Have a high pro­tein breakfast or meal be­fore the wed­ding and don’t gorge your­self on pan­cakes. For a sticky zip you can use some can­dle wax along the of­fend­ing part of the zip. Even some lip balm can grease that sucker up.

Too large a dress can also be dis­as­trous but a quick so­lu­tion is to create a dart or pleat just un­der the armpit of the dress where it is least no­tice­able. Again a safety pin or

quick stitch in time saves nine – what­ever that may mean but I’m sure it will cer­tainly save one gor­geous bride.

THE ZIT In Africa we have a word re­served for such catas­tro­phes – “Eish” pro­nounced “aysh”. A good word to use re­peat­edly if you find an un­sightly pim­ple on your wed­ding day al­though it may not make the nasty blem­ish go away it is a good start. Once you have re­peated said ex­ple­tive at least 3 times you can go about find­ing a so­lu­tion. One thing to try is a block of ice on the spot to re­duce swelling. DON’T PICK!!! I won’t go into the de­tails of zit­ting but be gen­tle. Use some oxy cream to dry it out and avoid oily base as this will sim­ply ag­gra­vate it – re­mem­ber what hap­pened to Kraka­toa when the pres­sure in­side was too much? ( If you are not 140 years old then you may not re­mem­ber the tabloids so google™ it ). Use a pow­der based blush to tone it down.

STAINS, SMUDGES AND SPILLS Don’t fret. Some­where, some­one has some sparkling wa­ter or club soda. This is great for re­mov­ing un­sightly marks. VERY IM­POR­TANT – al­ways dab start­ing at the outer edge of the stain and work to­ward the cen­tre; not out­wards lest you make a moun­tain out of a mole­hill. For oil based marks such as mas­cara or oil you can use baby pow­der to soak up the worst of it and dust off. you can also do some dab­bing with a tis­sue. A hair dryer is the quick­est way to dry your dress – sec­onds and cer­tainly only a few min­utes, un­less your spill is from fall­ing into a lake, in which case…. PANIC!!!! Some white chalk or pow­der can also tem­po­rar­ily hide stub­born stains if you’re in a fix. A pen­cil eraser can be quite a handy tool for re­mov­ing scuffs and marks from your dress. Worst case sce­nario you can find an old lady and bor­row her brooch to hide the spot.

RINGS Funny how this is a fear rat­tling around in ev­ery bride’s mind. You know how men can be and can you re­ally rely on your hus­band to be’s party an­i­mal buddy who can barely re­mem­ber which way his trousers go on be­cause he had a few too many brews the night be­fore? No prob­lem, there are any num­ber of guests / fam­ily who would gladly loan you’re their rings in an emer­gency. Al­ter­na­tively sim­ply use your backup set in your emer­gency kit.


Prob­lem? Miss­ing? grab a hand­ful of the near­est flow­ers from an ar­range­ment, from the gar­den – look around and find some­thing “Wed­dingish” and grab that. No one is go­ing to no­tice that you have im­pro­vised, just up your strut and lift your chin and don’t sweat it.


(per­spi­ra­tion to men and sweat­ing to an­i­mals ) This can be a se­ri­ous is­sue. If it rears its head then your re­sponse will be to worry about it, rais­ing your stress lev­els which will cause you to glow more which leads to more stress and then be­comes per­spi­ra­tion and with even more stress your sys­tem will re­sort to its Cro-Magnon an­i­mal type sweat­ing. OK so lets nip this in the bud. Make sure that you use a good anti-per­spi­rant roll-on or stick. This cre­ates a good bar­rier and keeps you dry. What about your make-up. Dab ladies, dab. Get some tis­sue and gen­tly pat your af­fected ar­eas. You can touch up your make-up with your emer­gency kit. In all of the above sit­u­a­tions take a few min­utes and calm your­self down. Have some­thing cool to drink and take a few deep breaths. Get a lacy fan to match your dress and keep it in your emer­gency kit – ev­ery­one will think that it is part of your en­sem­ble. Cry­ing can ruin your mas­cara or make it clump. Don’t add more mas­cara as this in­creases the clump­ing. Take a tooth­pick and from the bases of the eye­lashes gen­tly sep­a­rate them.


Per­son­ally I think that peo­ple who cause trou­ble at wed­dings are sim­ply self­ish. Your wed­ding day is your day and not any­one else’s. A harsh re­buke will quell some fires but it should not be un­ac­cept­able for you or your grooms­men to ask a mis­be­hav­ing guest to leave. You would rather re­mem­ber one guest miss­ing or leav­ing than hav­ing many guests em­bar­rassed or up­set be­cause

of one self­ish per­son. My opin­ion – if they are not go­ing to suck it up to bless you on your wed­ding day, then per­haps they should not have been in­vited. A tip here to note prior to the wed­ding is to seat feud­ing par­ties on op­pos­ing sides of your wed­ding and re­cep­tion and buf­fer them with friends and neu­tral par­ties in be­tween.


A dam­aged cake can take the joy out of your day, but only if you let it. You can al­ways turn the cake to hide the spoil and re-ar­range the dec­o­ra­tions, if they are moveable. You could cover the dam­aged area with your bou­quet po­si­tioned strate­gi­cally.


These are some of the great­est joy killers at any wed­ding. The stress that en­cum­bers any wed­ding can wreak havoc with your body and may man­i­fest un­ex­pect­edly in nu­mer­ous un­pre­dictable ways. The best rem­edy is NOT TO PANIC!!! ( un­less you ac­ci­den­tally fell into a lake ). Just take a few min­utes alone in a bath­room or de­serted spot ( gar­den, room, hall, nurs­ing room etc. ). You could ask the driver to turn on the air­con in the car and blast your­self for a few min­utes to cool down. You are prob­a­bly late al­ready so a few more min­utes won’t cause a train smash. Take some deep breaths and calm your­self. For gen­eral aches or headaches, take a quick act­ing as­pirin or parac­eta­mol based painkiller with about a glass of wa­ter ( un­less you have a con­di­tion which pre­vents you from us­ing over the counter painkillers ). Nau­sea can be quelled by a lit­tle wa­ter or if you like take an antacid – with ner­vous­ness and stress, stom­ach juices tend to be re­leased and most brides don’t have time to eat be­fore the cer­e­mony and this ex­ac­er­bates the prob­lem. Chew on a cracker or a few bites of an ap­ple and re­lax your mind. Men­tal pre­pared­ness is most key be­fore you get caught in the pit­falls of worry and stress, so in­stead of psych­ing your­self up, prac­tise psych­ing your­self down so that when the day comes you know how to find that “happy place”.


Some blessed few can have the phil­har­monic string quar­tet bow­ing the clas­sics at their re­cep­tion. Most hire a DJ or live band. Re­mem­ber that if the sound blows then you can do some­thing about it. The DJ may be ac­cus­tomed to teens bop­ping to mind blow­ingly loud mu­sic but it is hardly suit­able at a wed­ding and con­trary to DJ folk­lore, there is a vol­ume con­trol and even though it is fun to watch old aunt Flo who is seated near the loud speaker hav­ing her hair flap­ping in beat to the mu­sic. Some bands are great but those who suck can be asked to lip­sync. Again, the wed­ding is yours and you de­cide what goes and what goes away.

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