LIFE ON THE E LIST
Unable to stay away, Malibongwe Tyilo tries out the hugely successful Kim Kardashian game and learns how to climb the social ladder
I met Kim Kardashian a couple of days ago. She came into the shop where I worked. I work for her now, but more about that later. She was in a bit of a hurry, off to some event, and she needed a dress. To be honest, I was a bit taken aback that firstly, she does her own shopping; secondly, she does it very last minute; and thirdly, she does all this sans bodyguards.
But then again, over the past couple days, I’ve learnt that Kim is far more approachable and generous than I thought back when I could only watch her on TV. We’ve only been friends for two and a half days, and she has called me about six times and she has sent me numerous texts. She also seems genuinely committed to getting me all the way up to the A list.
To be honest, I’ve never really cared for the K-clan. Like many other people, I viewed Kim as someone who is famous for being famous. But don’t tell that to my partner and my friends. Their love for Mrs West is such that they never miss an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
In fact, it was because of my partner that I eventually met Kim this past week. The two of them met a couple of weeks ago, and just a week into their friendship, with Kim’s help, my boo bought a condo in Beverly Hills. My boo-thang also recently received this SMS from Kim: “A-List! You’ve made it! But don’t stop now, there are still people out there who don’t absolutely love you. How is that possible?”
We celebrated while feeling a bit kak about the haters out there – f**king trolls!
Anyway, back to my meeting with Kim, which took place a couple minutes after I downloaded the Kim
Kardashian: Hollywood game, as it does for all players. Prior to the meeting, I got to choose my avatar, which the game allowed me to “kustomise” to a tee: race, gender, chin, nose, hair, sexual preference. Whatever you want. Kim loves you and will take you to the A list. I named my avatar Autumn Harvest Crackling – Kim didn’t get the reference.
As I mentioned earlier, she popped into the shop on my very first day of work, just as we were about to close. I immediately recognised who she was. I picked out a dress for her and insisted she take it for free. She was so happy that a couple hours later she rang me up and offered me a job at her shop.
Naturally, I was super-grateful as I’m pretty sure I would have been fired anyway for giving away designer dresses on my first day on the job without asking. But hey, I’m an agile social climber and Kim recognised my skill. Real recognise, real yo! Over the past couple days, she has hooked me up with numerous photoshoots and magazine spreads. She has set me up on dates and she’s even invited me into her home.
In fact, she never stops encouraging me and reminding me what I have to do to “make it”. There are always new clothes to buy, property, jewellery, hairstyles, dates and famous people to hang around. The reality, of course, is that it takes a very patient player to be able to do all those things without spending actual cash in the game.
That is part of the reason I have not cracked the D list. I could simply hand over some very real Randelas through the game’s in-app purchase system and things could move a whole lot faster, but I’m trying to make it through this experience without giving her any more money for being famous.
I hope she’ll appreciate my frugal nature – she is, after all, rumoured to be making $85 million (R903 million) from this game as it is.
Anyway, during my time with Kim, besides creating a minor buzz, Autumn Harvest has gained about 26 000 Twitter followers, and made it on to the E list, described in the game as: “Not really a celebrity, but not really a nobody.”
One thing that’s bound to keep my attention is the possibility of getting on to the C list, where Kim promises I’ll be allowed to shout: “Do you know who I am?” when fast food restaurants refuse to serve me breakfast in the afternoon. Because, as we all know, that is what celebrity is about: freeing yourself from a life where you are bound to the same rules as mere mortals.
If Kim says I can make that happen for myself by appearing in strategic shoots, it’s true. After all, who knows better than Kim how to build an entire career out of a well-timed shoot?
KIM’S WORLD Autumn Harvest is set up on a date