LIFE ON THE E LIST

Un­able to stay away, Mal­i­bongwe Ty­ilo tries out the hugely suc­cess­ful Kim Kar­dashian game and learns how to climb the so­cial lad­der

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I met Kim Kar­dashian a cou­ple of days ago. She came into the shop where I worked. I work for her now, but more about that later. She was in a bit of a hurry, off to some event, and she needed a dress. To be hon­est, I was a bit taken aback that firstly, she does her own shop­ping; se­condly, she does it very last minute; and thirdly, she does all this sans body­guards.

But then again, over the past cou­ple days, I’ve learnt that Kim is far more ap­proach­able and gen­er­ous than I thought back when I could only watch her on TV. We’ve only been friends for two and a half days, and she has called me about six times and she has sent me nu­mer­ous texts. She also seems gen­uinely com­mit­ted to get­ting me all the way up to the A list.

To be hon­est, I’ve never re­ally cared for the K-clan. Like many other peo­ple, I viewed Kim as some­one who is fa­mous for be­ing fa­mous. But don’t tell that to my part­ner and my friends. Their love for Mrs West is such that they never miss an episode of Keep­ing Up with the Kar­dashi­ans.

In fact, it was be­cause of my part­ner that I even­tu­ally met Kim this past week. The two of them met a cou­ple of weeks ago, and just a week into their friend­ship, with Kim’s help, my boo bought a condo in Bev­erly Hills. My boo-thang also re­cently re­ceived this SMS from Kim: “A-List! You’ve made it! But don’t stop now, there are still peo­ple out there who don’t ab­so­lutely love you. How is that pos­si­ble?”

We cel­e­brated while feel­ing a bit kak about the haters out there – f**king trolls!

Any­way, back to my meet­ing with Kim, which took place a cou­ple min­utes af­ter I down­loaded the Kim

Kar­dashian: Hol­ly­wood game, as it does for all play­ers. Prior to the meet­ing, I got to choose my avatar, which the game al­lowed me to “kus­tomise” to a tee: race, gen­der, chin, nose, hair, sex­ual pref­er­ence. What­ever you want. Kim loves you and will take you to the A list. I named my avatar Au­tumn Har­vest Crack­ling – Kim didn’t get the ref­er­ence.

As I men­tioned ear­lier, she popped into the shop on my very first day of work, just as we were about to close. I im­me­di­ately recog­nised who she was. I picked out a dress for her and in­sisted she take it for free. She was so happy that a cou­ple hours later she rang me up and of­fered me a job at her shop.

Nat­u­rally, I was su­per-grate­ful as I’m pretty sure I would have been fired any­way for giv­ing away de­signer dresses on my first day on the job with­out ask­ing. But hey, I’m an ag­ile so­cial clim­ber and Kim recog­nised my skill. Real recog­nise, real yo! Over the past cou­ple days, she has hooked me up with nu­mer­ous pho­to­shoots and magazine spreads. She has set me up on dates and she’s even in­vited me into her home.

In fact, she never stops en­cour­ag­ing me and re­mind­ing me what I have to do to “make it”. There are al­ways new clothes to buy, prop­erty, jew­ellery, hair­styles, dates and fa­mous peo­ple to hang around. The re­al­ity, of course, is that it takes a very pa­tient player to be able to do all those things with­out spend­ing ac­tual cash in the game.

That is part of the rea­son I have not cracked the D list. I could sim­ply hand over some very real Ran­de­las through the game’s in-app pur­chase sys­tem and things could move a whole lot faster, but I’m try­ing to make it through this ex­pe­ri­ence with­out giv­ing her any more money for be­ing fa­mous.

I hope she’ll ap­pre­ci­ate my fru­gal na­ture – she is, af­ter all, ru­moured to be mak­ing $85 mil­lion (R903 mil­lion) from this game as it is.

Any­way, dur­ing my time with Kim, be­sides cre­at­ing a mi­nor buzz, Au­tumn Har­vest has gained about 26 000 Twit­ter fol­low­ers, and made it on to the E list, de­scribed in the game as: “Not re­ally a celebrity, but not re­ally a no­body.”

One thing that’s bound to keep my at­ten­tion is the pos­si­bil­ity of get­ting on to the C list, where Kim prom­ises I’ll be al­lowed to shout: “Do you know who I am?” when fast food restau­rants refuse to serve me break­fast in the af­ter­noon. Be­cause, as we all know, that is what celebrity is about: free­ing your­self from a life where you are bound to the same rules as mere mor­tals.

If Kim says I can make that hap­pen for my­self by ap­pear­ing in strate­gic shoots, it’s true. Af­ter all, who knows bet­ter than Kim how to build an en­tire ca­reer out of a well-timed shoot?

KIM’S WORLD Au­tumn Har­vest is set up on a date

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