Join the Is­lamic State and laugh your head off

CityPress - - Voices - Ch­ester Miss­ing voices@city­press.co.za @chester­miss­ing is SA’s top po­lit­i­cal an­a­lyst pup­pet and is as­so­ci­ated with ven­tril­o­quist @con­rad­koch

Yeah, yeah, Long Walk to Free­dom star Idris Elba couldn’t get a South African visa for his kid. I hope he told them in his best Madiba voice: “Never, never and never again…” But re­ally peo­ple, calm down. Have you tried get­ting a UK visa? The of­fi­cial re­sponse is: “Ha! Ha! Ha! ask Trevor Noah to hide you in his suit­case next time he vis­its.” We need to start see­ing our mad­ness in a global con­text. He­he­hehe! Do you re­alise that the Is­lamic State (IS), that club of cow­ards, now con­trols an area larger than the UK? It’s try­ing to re­cruit en­gi­neers, ad­min­is­tra­tors and doc­tors. Imag­ine be­ing an of­fi­cial IS doc­tor. “You will die, but first, I will heal you. Then you will die. What’s your blood pres­sure?”

If they re­ally need mur­der­ous doc­tors, maybe we can lend them Tim Noakes. Be­cause if any­thing turns you into a rad­i­cal fun­da­men­tal­ist, it’s a life with­out carbs. He­he­hehe! Ap­par­ently the IS uses What­sApp to make plans. What­sApp needs to up­grade its emoti­con op­tions. “Amer­i­can flag, an­gry face, an­gry face, party rib­bon ex­plo­sion” just doesn’t cut it. The IS is even mak­ing money sell­ing oil on the side. Can you imag­ine the Gumtree ad? “2 000 bar­rels. Cash only. No time-wasters”. He­he­hehe! Then brave on­line ac­tivists clicked “yes” when Face­book al­lowed them to cre­ate French flag photo fil­ters be­cause if we are talk­ing about peo­ple who go to an­other coun­try to kill peo­ple, then the French flag is his­tor­i­cally very hon­est.

Don’t get me wrong, Vive la France, but Face­book’s Mal­iflag op­tion doesn’t seem to be func­tion­ing. I’m not say­ing Face­book is racist, but this is where re­jected News24 com­men­ta­tors went to con­sole each other. He­he­hehe! In the US, the House of Rep­re­sen­ta­tives has banned Syr­ian refugees from en­ter­ing the county.

The only way around Amer­i­can xeno­pho­bia is if you can con­vince the US that you are ac­tu­ally there to marry Don­ald Trump. Now Trump even sup­ports mak­ing a list of Mus­lims liv­ing in the US.

They will get to it as soon as they have fin­ished the list of a***holes liv­ing in the US: 1) Don­ald 2) Ge­orge 3) Char­lie Sheen. Blam­ing the whole of Is­lam for the IS is like blam­ing mad cow dis­ease on Steri Stumpie. It’s like think­ing salad is bad for you be­cause heroin is made from flow­ers. He­he­hehe! But come on, South Africa. The fact of the mat­ter is that we do need to stand up and speak out against a group that hap­pily op­presses women, has un­prece­dented lev­els of vi­o­lence and one which no­body re­ally knows how to stop. I don’t mean the IS; I mean South African men. He­he­hehe! You are prob­a­bly won­der­ing why there’s this in­ap­pro­pri­ate, self-con­grat­u­la­tory laugh­ter be­tween each para­graph. I’m just try­ing to give this col­umn some kind of pres­i­den­tial deco­rum.

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