You won’t see in 2016

We have a good idea what this year’s big sto­ries will be, but Mondli Makhanya muses about what won’t be hap­pen­ing

CityPress - - News -

Af­ter months of hu­mil­i­a­tion, dur­ing which he was kicked out of VIP lounges by staff who thought he was a chance taker, his body­guards mis­took him for be­ing one of them and fel­low min­is­ters thought he was a minute taker and shut him up when he spoke dur­ing a Cab­i­net meet­ing, David van Rooyen was fi­nally recog­nised by a mem­ber of the pub­lic.

The in­ci­dent occurred dur­ing a min­is­te­rial visit to a town on the West Rand, where a res­i­dent walked up to him and re­minded him of the days when he used to dance at par­ties till dawn.

“Des! Where have you been? What do you do now?” the ex­cited man asked an ir­ri­tated and dis­ap­pointed Van Rooyen, who was ini­tially re­lieved at be­ing recog­nised.

In what was seen as ges­ture of good­will, Pres­i­dent Ja­cob Zuma al­lowed his es­tranged wife, Nom­pumelelo Ntuli-Zuma, to launch a recipe book at the fam­ily com­pound in Nkandla.

It was the first time MaN­tuli was per­mit­ted on to the premises since be­ing dra­mat­i­cally kicked out in 2015 af­ter be­ing ac­cused of try­ing to poi­son the pres­i­dent.

The launch co­in­cided with Zuma’s birth­day and MaN­tuli pre­pared an ar­ray of dishes from her new book for the guests.

Un­sur­pris­ingly, Zuma did not touch any of the dishes on of­fer, pre­fer­ring to raid MaKhu­malo’s tuck shop for bis­cuits and crispy chips.

For­mer EFF par­lia­men­tar­ian Andile Mngxi­tama, renowned for his less-than-warm at­ti­tude to­wards paler-skinned South Africans, has been spot­ted hang­ing around Johannesburg bars and eater­ies with a white friend named Craig.

The blos­som­ing friend­ship be­tween the two men has set tongues wag­ging, as Mngxi­tama, now the leader of the Black First Land First or­gan­i­sa­tion, is said to be­lieve that the only whites worth be­friend­ing are those who re­side at West­park Ceme­tery.

“This is a sign that the mes­sage of Tutu and Man­dela is fi­nally reach­ing into the very cor­ners of so­ci­ety,” said a po­lit­i­cal com­men­ta­tor. Wa­ter Af­fairs and San­i­ta­tion Min­is­ter Nomvula Mokonyane has ditched her fa­mous miniskirts for a more con­ser­va­tive look. Sales staff at bou­tique stores in Johannesburg and Cape Town say the stylish Mama Ac­tion has been shop­ping up a storm, re­plac­ing her wardrobe with trendy maxi dresses.

Ap­proached for com­ment by a fash­ion web­site, Mokonyane said she had taken a New Year’s res­o­lu­tion to cover up her best as­sets. “I re­alised I’m not 25 any more and I needed to stop com­pet­ing with the young girls who chase af­ter sugar dad­dies in night clubs. I’m very com­fort­able with my age and I’m look­ing for­ward to my six­ties,” she said.

It girl Bo­nang Matheba has de­cided to take a break from dat­ing. The so­cialite ra­dio pre­sen­ter’s love life (if it can be called that) has been fod­der for the tabloids in re­cent years as she raced from one re­la­tion­ship to the next. She also de­vel­oped a rep­u­ta­tion for hav­ing ques­tion­able taste in men. “I can now start preparing to set­tle down. In or­der to do that, I must slow down and dis­ap­pear from the tabloid pages so that my fu­ture Mr Right is not put off by all the scan­dals,” was how she ex­plained her de­ci­sion.

As the ANC’s suc­ces­sion race hots up, African Union (AU) Last year, the year be­fore and the year be­fore and the year be­fore that, businessman and film maker Dali Tambo was ex­pected to fi­nally release the doc­u­men­tary that he said he was re­search­ing when he was caught in a raid at The Ranch strip club a decade ago. Alas, an­other year passed and the doc­u­men­tary was not forth­com­ing. It is now ex­pected that South Africa’s most an­tic­i­pated doc­u­men­tary will even­tu­ally hit the screens this year.

In a his­toric de­vel­op­ment, the Gupta fam­ily se­cured a con­tract with­out the help of pow­er­ful higher-ups.

News of this came hot on the heels of rev­e­la­tions that the well-con­nected fam­ily, who nor­mally in­vite politi­cians and se­nior bu­reau­crats to their home for some in­flu­ence trad­ing, had a whole meal by them­selves. Gupta staff told this news­pa­per the ta­ble was very quiet, as fam­ily mem­bers didn’t know what to say to each other in the ab­sence of strangers.

Speak­ing of the straight­for­ward deal, a po­lit­i­cal an­a­lyst said the Gup­tas were practising for the post-Zuma era. Pres­i­dent Zuma’s nephew Khu­lubuse Zuma has re­sponded to health warn­ings from his doc­tors by halv­ing his weight to 413kg. Zuma was ex­pand­ing at an alarm­ing rate since his un­cle’s in­au­gu­ra­tion in 2009, to the point where he had to hire a per­sonal shoe-lacer.

His doc­tors put him on a strict sal­adand-fruit diet when he hit the 800kg mark.

PHOTO: LUCKY NX­U­MALO

SO­CIALITE

Bo­nang Matheba

PHOTO: GALLO IM­AGES / SUN­DAY TIMES

LOVE STILL ALIVE Nom­pumelelo Ntuli dur­ing her tra­di­tional wed­ding to Ja­cob Zuma on Jan­uary 1 2008 in Nkandla

NOMVULA MOKONYANE

DAVID DOU­GLAS DES

VAN ROOYEN

DALI TAMBO

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