YOU WON’T SEE IN 2017

The news in 2016 was so shock­ing that it had many of us reach­ing for the pop­corn. Mondli Makhanya takes a look at which news sto­ries will prob­a­bly not ma­te­ri­alise this year

CityPress - - News -

Se­rial charge-layer Mzwanele Manyi – known as Jimmy to every­one ex­cept him­self – has asked the po­lice, the Hawks, the Pub­lic Pro­tec­tor, the Hu­man Rights Com­mis­sion, the Spe­cial In­ves­ti­gat­ing Unit, the SA Bureau of Stan­dards, the Gen­der Com­mis­sion and the Sax­on­wold Neigh­bour­hood Watch to in­ves­ti­gate the Gup­tas. The charges are too nu­mer­ous to de­tail on this page.

It is not clear why Manyi, who was adopted by the Gup­tas as their pet par­rot a few years ago, is now turn­ing on his own­ers. While he was still a Gupta pet, Manyi laid charges against any­one who mildly of­fended the fam­ily. He was even ru­moured to have laid a com­plaint against a neigh­bour’s dog that left poo drop­pings near the Gup­tas’ drive­way and a ser­vant who served Atul drink­ing wa­ter at the wrong tem­per­a­ture.

Ap­proached for com­ment, Manyi tapped his tummy and turned his trouser pock­ets in­side out to in­di­cate hard times.

“Blood-suck­ing par­a­sites,” he said, with­out ex­plain­ing where things had gone wrong. Fol­low­ing on the roar­ing suc­cess of his de­but so­cial me­dia porn show, Umkhonto weSizwe Mil­i­tary Veter­ans’ As­so­ci­a­tion chair­per­son Kebby Maphat­soe has de­cided to go the whole hog. Maphat­soe, whose nude post-action-sat­is­fac­tion pic­ture went vi­ral last year, says he has de­cided to turn shame into op­por­tu­nity.

“We must utilise all the av­enues that the free­dom we fought for opened up for us,” said the for­mer cook who made sec­ond-hand mil­i­tary fa­tigues fa­mous.

An ex­cited Maphat­soe told this news­pa­per that he was in dis­cus­sion with ANN7 for a late-night slot for his Ma­punaphat­soe High Oc­tane show, where peo­ple will see his ac­tiv­i­ties in 3-D. He added that 3-D would do his body shape bet­ter jus­tice than the still images on so­cial me­dia. Sup­posed singing sen­sa­tion Babes Wo­dumo is to re­lease a fol­low-up sin­gle ... and it con­tains lyrics of more than 10 words. What’s more, the Wololo “singer” ac­tu­ally sings in the new re­lease. A kind ges­ture by a group of school­child­ren went awry when mon­keys fled from KwaZu­luNatal es­tate agent Penny Spar­row. The Dur­ban pupils had raised money to pay for Spar­row’s ed­u­ca­tional trip to a mon­key sanc­tu­ary so that she could in­ter­act with the pri­mates. The chil­dren said that, given her limited men­tal ca­pac­ity, they felt it would be use­ful for her to spend a day with the an­i­mals so that she could see what a real mon­key looked like and how it be­haved. But the act of kind­ness turned ugly when they ar­rived at the sanc­tu­ary. Ac­cord­ing to wit­nesses, the mon­keys made ter­ri­fied sounds and fled upon catch­ing sight of Spar­row. The staff had their hands full as the panic-stricken an­i­mals even at­tempted to jump over the perime­ter of the sanc­tu­ary to get as far away as pos­si­ble from what they had just seen. Or­der was re­stored when Spar­row was es­corted away. Nearly a year af­ter step­ping down as leader of the DA, He­len Zille has apol­o­gised for as­sault­ing the op­ti­cal sen­si­tiv­i­ties of South Africans with her danc­ing. Zille re­vealed that dur­ing a pro­mo­tional tour of her autobiography, peo­ple had come up to her and thanked her for no longer danc­ing on tele­vi­sion as she used to do as party leader while on elec­tion cam­paigns.

“It was only then that it dawned on me how, for all those years, I was com­pound­ing the pain of peo­ple who were al­ready suf­fer­ing from poverty, crime, un­em­ploy­ment, Clien­tele Life ad­verts and Ja­cob Zuma. I am truly sorry, my fel­low South Africans,” a tearyeyed Zille said. Last year it was ex­pected that the long-awaited doc­u­men­tary that film maker Dali Tambo was re­search­ing at The Ranch strip club when he was caught there in a Scor­pi­ons raid 17 years ago would fi­nally hit the screens.

The doc­u­men­tary had also been ex­pected the pre­vi­ous year and the pre­vi­ous year and the pre­vi­ous year. In fact, be­fore that it had been ex­pected in the pre­vi­ous decade. Tambo insists that the doc­u­men­tary is still on track and the world will see it this year.

“We are just putting the fin­ish­ing touches to it. The na­ture of the sub­ject is that this can­not be a rush job. It has to build up to a proper cli­max,” he said, wink­ing. In a coup for food gi­ant Tiger Brands, ANC Youth League pres­i­dent Collen Maine has signed up as brand am­bas­sador for Oros or­ange squash. Maine, who is pop­u­larly known in po­lit­i­cal cir­cles as Oros, was pre­sented as the new face of Oros at a me­dia con­fer­ence in Sand­ton.

Tiger Brands CEO Lawrence McDougall said it was a ma­jor feat for the com­pany to find a brand am­bas­sador who looked ex­actly like the prod­uct he was en­dors­ing.

“This must be a world first. The head, the con­tours ... ev­ery­thing,” an ex­cited McDougall raved.

Oros said this was a dream come true as Oros had been his favourite drink since pri­mary school.

“We were made for each other. Now, through my for­mal as­so­ci­a­tion with this brand, I hope to con­trib­ute to rad­i­cal eco­nomic trans­for­ma­tion of our so­ci­ety and the up­lift­ment of our peo­ple,” said a beam­ing Oros (the hu­man one, that is). South Africa’s num­ber one en­emy of books, Hlaudi Mot­soe­neng, has de­cided to go back to school. This shock de­vel­op­ment fol­lows his be­ing caught out for ef­fec­tively con­ning his way to the most pow­er­ful po­si­tion in South African broad­cast­ing and stay­ing there for years. This was de­spite his think­ing that a hard drive meant go­ing fast on a free­way. Sources close to Mot­soe­neng say he has reg­is­tered at an adult lit­er­acy school where he will be taught present and past tense and sin­gu­lar and plu­ral. He will also be taught to dif­fer­en­ti­ate be­tween “he” and “she”, as well as the dif­fer­ence be­tween “this” and “that”. Pres­i­dent Ja­cob Zuma has or­dered a mul­ti­dis­ci­plinary med­i­cal re­search study into the in­ci­dence of van­ish­ing twin syn­drome (VTS) in South Africa. The phe­nom­e­non, also known as twin em­boli­sa­tion syn­drome, in­volves one twin ab­sorb­ing the other dur­ing preg­nancy. Spu­ri­ous and un­sub­stan­ti­ated ru­mours have sug­gested that Zuma swal­lowed his twin in the womb dur­ing a fight over nutri­tion, hence the two heads. Zuma’s de­trac­tors have used the story of this epic womb fight to ex­plain the vi­cious­ness with which he dealt with po­lit­i­cal op­po­nents in later life. It has also been sug­gested that it is the rea­son he can­not shake off the habit of lick­ing his lips dur­ing speeches and in­ter­views. An­nounc­ing the high-level panel com­pris­ing pro­fes­sors from var­i­ous med­i­cal dis­ci­plines, Zuma said the limited un­der­stand­ing of this syn­drome led to neg­a­tive per­cep­tions and un­for­tu­nate myths about twins who had swal­lowed their sib­lings. He said he wanted South Africa to be a world leader in this area. “We per­formed the world’s first heart trans­plant. More re­cently, we made a break­through in pe­nis trans­plants. Un­der­stand­ing what leads to the swal­low­ing of one’s twin must be our next fron­tier of en­deav­our,’ said Zuma, as he licked his lips in his trade­mark fash­ion.

TALK TO US Truth is of­ten stranger than fic­tion. What do you think will dom­i­nate the head­lines in 2017?

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He­len Zille, Hlaudi Mot­soe­neng and Dali Tambo

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