YOU WON’T SEE IN 2017
The news in 2016 was so shocking that it had many of us reaching for the popcorn. Mondli Makhanya takes a look at which news stories will probably not materialise this year
Serial charge-layer Mzwanele Manyi – known as Jimmy to everyone except himself – has asked the police, the Hawks, the Public Protector, the Human Rights Commission, the Special Investigating Unit, the SA Bureau of Standards, the Gender Commission and the Saxonwold Neighbourhood Watch to investigate the Guptas. The charges are too numerous to detail on this page.
It is not clear why Manyi, who was adopted by the Guptas as their pet parrot a few years ago, is now turning on his owners. While he was still a Gupta pet, Manyi laid charges against anyone who mildly offended the family. He was even rumoured to have laid a complaint against a neighbour’s dog that left poo droppings near the Guptas’ driveway and a servant who served Atul drinking water at the wrong temperature.
Approached for comment, Manyi tapped his tummy and turned his trouser pockets inside out to indicate hard times.
“Blood-sucking parasites,” he said, without explaining where things had gone wrong. Following on the roaring success of his debut social media porn show, Umkhonto weSizwe Military Veterans’ Association chairperson Kebby Maphatsoe has decided to go the whole hog. Maphatsoe, whose nude post-action-satisfaction picture went viral last year, says he has decided to turn shame into opportunity.
“We must utilise all the avenues that the freedom we fought for opened up for us,” said the former cook who made second-hand military fatigues famous.
An excited Maphatsoe told this newspaper that he was in discussion with ANN7 for a late-night slot for his Mapunaphatsoe High Octane show, where people will see his activities in 3-D. He added that 3-D would do his body shape better justice than the still images on social media. Supposed singing sensation Babes Wodumo is to release a follow-up single ... and it contains lyrics of more than 10 words. What’s more, the Wololo “singer” actually sings in the new release. A kind gesture by a group of schoolchildren went awry when monkeys fled from KwaZuluNatal estate agent Penny Sparrow. The Durban pupils had raised money to pay for Sparrow’s educational trip to a monkey sanctuary so that she could interact with the primates. The children said that, given her limited mental capacity, they felt it would be useful for her to spend a day with the animals so that she could see what a real monkey looked like and how it behaved. But the act of kindness turned ugly when they arrived at the sanctuary. According to witnesses, the monkeys made terrified sounds and fled upon catching sight of Sparrow. The staff had their hands full as the panic-stricken animals even attempted to jump over the perimeter of the sanctuary to get as far away as possible from what they had just seen. Order was restored when Sparrow was escorted away. Nearly a year after stepping down as leader of the DA, Helen Zille has apologised for assaulting the optical sensitivities of South Africans with her dancing. Zille revealed that during a promotional tour of her autobiography, people had come up to her and thanked her for no longer dancing on television as she used to do as party leader while on election campaigns.
“It was only then that it dawned on me how, for all those years, I was compounding the pain of people who were already suffering from poverty, crime, unemployment, Clientele Life adverts and Jacob Zuma. I am truly sorry, my fellow South Africans,” a tearyeyed Zille said. Last year it was expected that the long-awaited documentary that film maker Dali Tambo was researching at The Ranch strip club when he was caught there in a Scorpions raid 17 years ago would finally hit the screens.
The documentary had also been expected the previous year and the previous year and the previous year. In fact, before that it had been expected in the previous decade. Tambo insists that the documentary is still on track and the world will see it this year.
“We are just putting the finishing touches to it. The nature of the subject is that this cannot be a rush job. It has to build up to a proper climax,” he said, winking. In a coup for food giant Tiger Brands, ANC Youth League president Collen Maine has signed up as brand ambassador for Oros orange squash. Maine, who is popularly known in political circles as Oros, was presented as the new face of Oros at a media conference in Sandton.
Tiger Brands CEO Lawrence McDougall said it was a major feat for the company to find a brand ambassador who looked exactly like the product he was endorsing.
“This must be a world first. The head, the contours ... everything,” an excited McDougall raved.
Oros said this was a dream come true as Oros had been his favourite drink since primary school.
“We were made for each other. Now, through my formal association with this brand, I hope to contribute to radical economic transformation of our society and the upliftment of our people,” said a beaming Oros (the human one, that is). South Africa’s number one enemy of books, Hlaudi Motsoeneng, has decided to go back to school. This shock development follows his being caught out for effectively conning his way to the most powerful position in South African broadcasting and staying there for years. This was despite his thinking that a hard drive meant going fast on a freeway. Sources close to Motsoeneng say he has registered at an adult literacy school where he will be taught present and past tense and singular and plural. He will also be taught to differentiate between “he” and “she”, as well as the difference between “this” and “that”. President Jacob Zuma has ordered a multidisciplinary medical research study into the incidence of vanishing twin syndrome (VTS) in South Africa. The phenomenon, also known as twin embolisation syndrome, involves one twin absorbing the other during pregnancy. Spurious and unsubstantiated rumours have suggested that Zuma swallowed his twin in the womb during a fight over nutrition, hence the two heads. Zuma’s detractors have used the story of this epic womb fight to explain the viciousness with which he dealt with political opponents in later life. It has also been suggested that it is the reason he cannot shake off the habit of licking his lips during speeches and interviews. Announcing the high-level panel comprising professors from various medical disciplines, Zuma said the limited understanding of this syndrome led to negative perceptions and unfortunate myths about twins who had swallowed their siblings. He said he wanted South Africa to be a world leader in this area. “We performed the world’s first heart transplant. More recently, we made a breakthrough in penis transplants. Understanding what leads to the swallowing of one’s twin must be our next frontier of endeavour,’ said Zuma, as he licked his lips in his trademark fashion.
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Helen Zille, Hlaudi Motsoeneng and Dali Tambo