Pa­triot Points

CityPress - - Voices -

Award-win­ning nov­el­ist Lau­ren Beukes this week went head-to-head with US Pres­i­dent Don­ald Trump. Fa­mous for her dark fan­tasies of­ten set in the US, she was one of 10 lead­ing writ­ers cho­sen for a clever se­ries be­ing run by politics and news source Slate Magazine. The Trump Project asked them to con­trib­ute a short story that plays out dur­ing the Trump pres­i­dency, re­flect­ing the dystopian re­al­i­ties of his Amer­ica. Beukes be­ing Beukes, she got exper­i­men­tal and has writ­ten a story in the form of an ap­pli­ca­tion ques­tion­naire for a pro­gramme called Pa­triot Points, which gives mem­bers dis­counts on US prod­ucts – a crafty way to com­ment on the new na­tion­al­ism punted by Trump as he at­tempts to ‘make Amer­ica great again’ by lim­it­ing im­mi­grant ac­cess and by push­ing US in­dus­try and val­ues. Mem­bers in Beukes’ story can even win ac­cess to White House cock­tail par­ties – a jab at the per­sonal re­la­tion­ships for­mer re­al­ity TV star Trump fos­ters. It’s great to see lit­er­a­ture tak­ing a risk. Pa­triot Points is more of a con­cept – a kind of poem – than a tra­di­tional short story. Beukes and the good peo­ple at Slate gave us per­mis­sion to pub­lish the story

PA­TRIOT POINTS Ap­pli­ca­tion Form

Con­grat­u­la­tions! You’ve been se­lected to sign up for the vol­un­tary Pa­triot Points (PP) pro­gramme that re­wards YOU for be­ing a proud Amer­i­can. Let your red, white and blue colours show and you may qual­ify for huge dis­counts on pop­u­lar all-Amer­i­can brands, TSA Precheck ap­proval and pri­or­ity board­ing on US-car­rier flights, as well as dis­count tick­ets on a wide va­ri­ety of sports events and con­certs by PP-ap­proved en­ter­tain­ers, fam­ily din­ner spe­cials at par­tic­i­pat­ing restau­rants, dis­counts, and spe­cial treat­ment at par­tic­i­pat­ing classy ho­tel fran­chises and golf cour­ses, and, for those lucky mem­bers who hit the Top Tier of Amer­i­can Pride, a range of ter­rific VIP ex­pe­ri­ences, in­clud­ing the chance to at­tend ex­clu­sive cock­tail par­ties in the White House with POTUS him­self! Please com­plete all sec­tions in full. Full name: ________________________________________________________________________________________ So­cial Se­cu­rity num­ber: ______________________________________________________________________ So­cial-me­dia ac­count names and pass­words: __________________________________________ Full name of spouse and de­pen­dants, if any: 1. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ 2. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ 3. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ So­cial Se­cu­rity num­bers of spouse and de­pen­dants: 1. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ 2. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ 3. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ So­cial-me­dia ac­count names and pass­words for spouse and de­pen­dants: 1. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ 2. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ 3. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________

SEC­TION ONE: Your Roots

1. For how many gen­er­a­tions has your fam­ily been in Amer­ica? Score +20 points for ev­ery suc­ces­sive gen­er­a­tion. Please com­plete the at­tached fam­ily tree di­a­gram (Ad­den­dum 1), list­ing the full names of your fore­fa­thers, for as far back as you can. 2. What is your mother tongue, ie, the lan­guage you speak at home? Amer­i­can English: +10 Bri­tish English: +5 Rus­sian: +3 Man­darin/Can­tonese/Ja­panese: +1 Euro­pean lan­guages (ex­cept Spanish): +1 Spanish: -5 African lan­guages in­clud­ing Swahili/Igbo/Zulu, etc: -5 East Asian lan­guages in­clud­ing Tamil/Pun­jabi/Korean, etc: -5 Mid­dle East­ern lan­guages in­clud­ing Ara­bic/Urdu/Farsi, etc: -10 Other: ___________________________________________________________________________________________ -5 3. Do you own a cur­rent pass­port? No, ev­ery­thing I need is right here in the USA: +1 Yes, but only for busi­ness pur­poses ex­port­ing Amer­i­can goods or ser­vices: +1 Yes, to ex­plore other cul­tures and ex­pe­ri­ences: -1 (Please sub­tract an ad­di­tional point for ev­ery for­eign stamp in your pass­port. -5 for en­e­mies of Amer­ica. (Please see Ad­den­dum 2 for the most up-to-date list.)

SEC­TION TWO: Eco­nomic Ex­pe­di­ence

1. Do you buy Amer­i­can? Please list the spe­cific brands you have sup­ported in the past 12 months. +1 for ev­ery ma­jor brand that is al­ready a Pa­triot Points part­ner (eg: Wal­mart, Ford, Coca-Cola, ExxonMo­bil, Bud­weiser, Marl­boro, Wells Fargo, Star­bucks, Ivanka Trump Jew­ellery) 2. To the clos­est dol­lar amount, how much money have you do­nated to your Repub­li­can con­gres­sional can­di­date? For ev­ery $1 000 spent: +1 3. If you are an em­ployee, how many hours of over­time do you put in a week with­out ex­pect­ing your em­ployer to carry the slack? Hours of un­paid over­time: +1 per hour 4. How of­ten do you re­place your car? Ev­ery 1-2 years: +10 Ev­ery 3-5 years: +5 Ev­ery 5-10 years: +2 Ev­ery 10-20+ years: +1 I use Uber: +2 I use pub­lic trans­port: -10 5. Do you have a home loan, stu­dent loan or other loan with a rep­utable Amer­i­can fi­nan­cial in­sti­tu­tion? Please list the de­tails with out­stand­ing amounts and in­ter­est. Did you know we can rene­go­ti­ate your fi­nanc­ing for you with a PP-ap­proved part­ner bank? Home loan: +10 Stu­dent loan: +5 Other loan: +5 6. Do you have any chronic dis­eases or con­di­tions that may make you a drain on the econ­omy? Please list be­low, with de­tails of your pri­mary health­care prac­ti­tioner. Please fac­tor in an ad­di­tional -20 points if you con­tracted this as a re­sult of im­moral sex­ual acts. HIV/Aids: -20 Heart dis­ease: -10 Di­a­betes: -10 Breast can­cer: -5 Cer­vi­cal can­cer: -5 Prostate can­cer: 0 Tes­tic­u­lar can­cer: 0 Other can­cer: -5 Other: ______________________________________________________________________________________________

SEC­TION THREE: All-Amer­i­can Val­ues

1. What is the pop­u­la­tion of your town or city? More than 1 mil­lion: -5 Less than 1 mil­lion: +5 Less than 5 000: +10 2. Were you an ath­lete or a cheer­leader in high school? Yes: +5 Yes, and I was cap­tain: +10 Yes, but in an un-Amer­i­can sport such as curl­ing or lacrosse: +1 No: -5 3. Do you own an Amer­i­can flag? Yes: +5 Yes, and it’s flying out­side my house right now: +10 No: 0 I burnt it: -50 4. Do you own a gun? Yes: +10 for each hand­gun; +20 for semi­au­to­mat­ics and shotguns; +30 for each fully au­to­matic No, but I sup­port the Sec­ond Amend­ment: +1 No, and I be­lieve in stricter gun con­trol: -10 5. Do you hunt? Yes: +10 No: 0 No, I op­pose hunt­ing for sport: -5 6. Have you ever re­ceived so­cial wel­fare, in­clud­ing food stamps? Yes, I have been a drain on so­ci­ety: -10 No, I take pride in sup­port­ing my­self and my fam­ily: +10 No, and wel­fare fraud is one of the big­gest prob­lems in Amer­ica to­day: +20 7. Have you made use of a sec­u­lar “re­pro­duc­tive health­care” ser­vice such as Planned Par­ent­hood? Yes, but only for screen­ings: 0 Yes, for an abor­tion: -50 No, us­ing them would be mak­ing my­self an ac­ces­sory to mur­der: +10 8. Are you ac­tive in your lo­cal church? Yes (Protes­tant, evan­gel­i­cal, or pros­per­ity gospel): +50 Yes (Catholic): +10 Yes ( Jewish): +2 No, but I prac­tice Chris­tian val­ues: +20 points No, I’m Hindu/Bud­dhist/other: -5 No, I’m athe­ist/ag­nos­tic: -10 Yes (Mus­lim): +50** (**You qual­ify for an ex­clu­sive re­sort ex­pe­ri­ence on be­half of the US gov­ern­ment. Rep­re­sen­ta­tives from the PP of­fices will con­tact you af­ter you sub­mit this form.) 9. Have you per­formed mil­i­tary ser­vice? Yes, I am cur­rently serv­ing my coun­try: +100 Yes, I served, proudly: +20 for ev­ery tour of duty -50 for PTSD and other dis­abil­i­ties or in­juries that drain the coun­try’s re­sources 10. Have you or has any­one in your fam­ily ever been part of a union? (If yes, please pro­vide de­tails, in­clud­ing the full names of as­so­ciates): No: +10 Yes: _________________________________________________________________________________________________ 11. Have you par­tic­i­pated in protest ac­tion against the new regime? Yes (march­ing in ral­lies): -50 Yes (on so­cial me­dia): -20 Yes (pri­vate con­ver­sa­tions, on­line chats, phone con­ver­sa­tions): -10 No: +20

SEC­TION FOUR: Com­plete the Sen­tence

1. ___________________________________________________________________________________ lives mat­ter. 2. A woman’s place is__________________________________________________________________________ 3. “Trans” peo­ple should use ______________________________________________ bath­rooms. 4. Gay mar­riage is ____________________________________________________________ against God. 5. Evo­lu­tion in schools is _____________________________________________________________________ 6. Vac­cines cause _______________________________________________________________________________ 7. The rich, who con­trib­ute the most to so­ci­ety, should pay _____________ taxes than av­er­age Amer­i­cans. 8. ____________________________________ is a hoax; the earth’s tem­per­a­ture has al­ways fluc­tu­ated. 9. __________________________________________________________________________________ is fake news. 10. The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is _________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________________

SEC­TION FIVE: Please Mark Whether You Agree or Dis­agree with the Fol­low­ing State­ments

1. Good walls make for good neigh­bours. Agree/Dis­agree. 2. Na­tional se­cu­rity is more im­por­tant than hu­man rights. Agree/Dis­agree 3. Eco­nomic in­ter­ests su­per­sede en­vi­ron­men­tal is­sues. Agree/Dis­agree 4. Jour­nal­ists have a moral re­spon­si­bil­ity to their coun­try first and should be mon­i­tored by a state-ap­pointed ethics com­mit­tee. Agree/Dis­agree 5. Fas­cism is an out­dated his­tor­i­cal term that no longer has any rel­e­vance. Agree/Dis­agree 6. Voter fraud is a real prob­lem. Agree/Dis­agree 7. The sky over the pres­i­den­tial in­au­gu­ra­tion was blue. Agree/Dis­agree 8. Amer­ica is great again. Agree/Dis­agree Signed _______________________________________________________ Date ______________________________ [ ] I agree with the terms and con­di­tions.

US Pres­i­dent Don­ald Trump and au­thor Lau­ren Beukes

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