Daddy’s flashy birthday can’t make us forget
Thursday. It’s the day after Daddy’s birthday and the day before the anniversary of the execution of one of my favourite revolutionaries, Jesus Christ.
“Daddy” is what the faithful within the ANC call President Jacob Zuma these days. It’s a bit creepy.
I wonder how Daddy’s 75th went. It must have been weird. Half the nation is taking to the streets, saying nasty things about your cranium and chanting “don’t come on Monday” in a rather loud voice. The other half is offering to fellate you – figuratively, of course – on Facebook, paid Twitter accounts and ANN7. Oh, and he’s on that lovely R8 million stage next to a shack settlement in Kliptown.
That kinda stuff is bound to make you bipolar. Or at least dizzy.
Then again, Daddy’s not exactly known for letting other people’s opinions get to him. Daddy’s kinda like The Dude in The Big Lebowski in that way.
I head for the beach to get rid of the day’s grime. The water’s cleansing, but Daddy’s still on my mind. What do you get somebody like Daddy for his birthday? The cat already has a whole country and a former liberation movement to play with, so what do you buy him? A pair of socks? An Orlando Pirates replica shirt? A Kreepy Krauly for the fire pool? A third term as president?
I hit the beach. There’s this short, balding cat in cargo shorts with a familiar swagger and a cigar limping along the promenade. It’s Schabir Shaik – Daddy’s original Sugar Daddy before Daddy became Daddy.
The poor man’s Atul Gupta gave Daddy lots of birthday presents. And Christmas presents. And Eid presents. And Diwali presents. All in all, Schabir gave Daddy 1 340 000 million presents, as it were.
Schabir’s presents to Daddy got him Daddy’s support. They also got him 15 years in jail (even if he only did 28 months, all of them in hospital).
Schabir stops. We became bras during his trial. His bru threatened to kill my man Ghengis over something I wrote, but we sorted it all out.
Schabir is looking tired, unhappy. Being stuck in the pozzie with only goldfish for company all day will do that to you. Then again, Scabies, as he used to be known, is looking pretty good for a guy who was meant to have died eight years ago (he got medical parole because he had a “terminal illness”).
I’m about to ask Schabir if he regrets not taking the offer from the Scorpions to turn state witness against Daddy – after all, he could have changed history. I bite my tongue. There’s no need to be cruel.
‘Daddy’ is what the faithful within the ANC call Zuma these days. It’s a bit creepy