‘Enjoying yourself with someone on a casual basis can be a godsend after a bad break-up’
WHAT IS TBP?
Like the first pancake you try to make – a smooshed dough ball of nothingness – TBP is the first person you date after a serious relationship, destined to end in failure.
‘A bad pancake never turns out to be a real relationship,’ says Molly Bernard’s character, Lauren, to Hilary Duff’s Kelsey in Younger. ‘It’s predestined to fail.’ So you put your good guy on the back burner in order not to squander a diamond in the rough – and you get yourself a bad pancake. Easy, no? Before you rush to a rebound, Lovehoney’s relationship expert Annabelle Knight reminds us that we need
‘Casual dating is completely different to serious dating, and can be useful for someone wanting to move on from a relationship because it can rebuild confidence both in yourself and in dating,’ Knight says. ‘Enjoying yourself with someone on a casual basis can be a godsend when you’re feeling low after a bad break-up, but it’s advisable to be cautious about jumping in the deep end too soon as this can damage your emotional state.’
THE FLIP SIDE
Do two bad pancakes make a stack? To an extent, the ol’ adage that the easiest way to get over someone is to get under someone else rings true in the theorem of bad-pancake law when you’re both in a similar frame of mind.
‘If you ended it, you might be ready for new love, because you’d have had one foot out of that relationship for a while before making the decision,’ sex therapist Desiree Spierings says. ‘By the time you leave, you are often more ready to meet new people – you’ve already had a grieving period.’
Knight agrees but warns that, at some point, you’ll need to address and process why your relationship ended so you can learn from it. To be honest, that’s where a bit of bad pancake could come in handy. To move on faster, pass your bad pancake and collect R500. It’s about setting limits for yourself. ‘Identify what’s working for you and what isn’t,’ says Spierings. ‘Often you’ll see people still contacting an ex after a break-up or stalking them on social media. [Note: guilty.] If they’re honest with themselves, this might make them feel worse. Once you’ve identified what’s not working, set limits for yourself – such as, “I will not contact my ex unless it’s about unfi nished housing or fi nancial business.”’
Before you think getting yourself a bad pancake is the secret to relationship bliss, know that rebound flings are seldom destined to last. You can limp along, but ultimately you’ll need the head space that only comes with being on your own for a bit.
‘If you meet someone you like and want to pursue after coming out of a serious relationship, do yourself the courtesy of giving yourself some time,’ says Knight. ‘The relationship stands a much better chance if you both enter it as happy, emotionally healthy individuals. Remember: the only baggage you need to take with you when you start dating is your clutch bag.’ Filled with pancakes.