ASK SIS DOLLY

DRUM - - Advice -

Need ad­vice? E-mail sis­dolly@ drum.co.za or SMS the key­words SIS DOLLY fol­lowed by your ques­tion and name to 36489. Each SMS (160 char­ac­ters) costs R1.

Q I WANT THEM BOTH

I’m dat­ing two guys: one is work­ing and is cash-loaded; the other is in var­sity and broke. I care about the one who’s work­ing and I feel like I’m only dat­ing the broke one be­cause he has a dis­ease peo­ple don’t un­der­stand. Without me, he’s alone. What should I do? IK, E-MAIL

A Why did you put your­self in this sit­u­a­tion in the first place? You can’t be in a ful­fill­ing re­la­tion­ship with both of them. It’s pos­si­ble there’s one you love and one you’re just us­ing or string­ing along. You need to de­ter­mine which is which and break ties with one.

Take the money away from the one guy and the dis­ease away from the other and see if there’s any­thing left in them you’re at­tracted to.

QI WANT MY HOUSE BACK

My hus­band and I have three kids. Last year we started fight­ing be­cause he drinks ev­ery day and comes home late. He stopped buy­ing food so I locked him out but he called the po­lice. I’ve asked for pro­tec­tion from him but he kicked us out of the house. How can I get the house back? HOME­LESS, SMS

A Your hus­band has no right to chase you and the chil­dren out of the fam­ily home. Both of you are en­ti­tled to live in the house if you’re mar­ried in com­mu­nity of prop­erty.

The only time one can move out is when an agree­ment has been reached through the courts dur­ing a di­vorce or one part­ner de­cides to buy the other part­ner out.

You can go to your near­est mag­is­trate’s court and speak to a fam­ily court of­fi­cer. You can also pur­sue a main­te­nance is­sue through the court.

Q WE MAKE UP AND BREAK UP

I’m 22 and was dat­ing a 21-year-old guy. Ev­ery­thing was fine un­til we started hav­ing lots of ar­gu­ments. When­ever we ar­gue he wants out and we break up. Af­ter a few days we get back to­gether.

I’m start­ing to think he never loved me be­cause he al­ways breaks up with me over some stupid fight. Does this guy re­ally love me or not? Or per­haps he’s act­ing this way be­cause he has some­one else. What do you think? ZK, E-MAIL

A A re­la­tion­ship is about two peo­ple and it needs both par­ties to be com­mit­ted for it to work. De­cid­ing to break up ev­ery time there’s a mis­un­der­stand­ing won’t solve the chal­lenges you’re fac­ing.

You and your part­ner need to fig­ure out what makes you fight a lot and over “stupid” things. Don’t spec­u­late about why your boyfriend acts the way he does – talk to him about it. You can then both come up with a strat­egy to deal with fu­ture con­flict.

QI DON’T WANT HIM

I gave the fa­ther of my child a sec­ond chance but he has no di­rec­tion or am­bi­tion. He has two other chil­dren with some­one else. He has treated our child very badly, and me too some­times.

For a month he’s given us the silent treat­ment. I’m scared to get a court or­der against him but I don’t want him in our lives any more. Please help. ANONY­MOUS, SMS

A It seems you’ve al­ready de­cided that you want to part ways with your baby daddy. The only thing you need to do now is set the wheels in mo­tion and take the first step. He has to un­der­stand why all this is hap­pen­ing so you need to talk to him and tell him what you’ve de­cided.

Get­ting a pro­tec­tion or­der against him is ad­vis­able if you feel you and your child won’t be safe. You can seek the help of a re­la­tion­ship coun­sel­lor at Fam­ily Life Cen­tre. Call them on 011-788-4784 to set up a ses­sion in a neu­tral, safe en­vi­ron­ment.

Q HE DATED MY NEIGH­BOUR

A long time ago my boyfriend used to date my neigh­bour, who’s also my best friend. I didn’t know about their re­la­tion­ship but I once asked them if they’d known each other in­ti­mately and they said no. Much later I found out the truth on Face­book and I feel stupid be­cause every­one knew ex­cept me. I re­ally love my boyfriend but I feel cheap. LP, E-MAIL

A Per­haps you feel an­gry that nei­ther of them told you about their for­mer re­la­tion­ship, but if the flame be­tween them is long dead then why are you get­ting up­set? As long as noth­ing else is cur­rently go­ing on, don’t ruin two good re­la­tion­ships be­cause your pride has taken a knock.

Tell your boyfriend you’d pre­fer it if he didn’t have se­crets about his past lovers, es­pe­cially those you might know, and ex­plain to him that you feel stupid for be­ing the last to find out about his for­mer ro­mance with your best friend. Talk about how to move for­ward, what you’ll be com­fort­able with in the fu­ture, and move on.

‘A re­la­tion­ship is about two peo­ple and it needs both par­ties to be com­mit­ted for it to work’

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