Sis Dolly

DRUM - - Contents - Need ad­vice? E-mail sis­dolly@ drum.co.za or SMS the key­words SIS DOLLY fol­lowed by your ques­tion and name to 36489. Each SMS (160 char­ac­ters) costs R1.

Q SHE WANTS A BREAK

I’m a 21-year-old guy and I was in a re­la­tion­ship with a 17-year-old girl. Things were re­ally good, so much so that I could ac­tu­ally see her as my wife. But re­cently she told me she needed some space.

It hurt me a lot but she promised me we’ll con­tinue our re­la­tion­ship when she’s feel­ing bet­ter. Now I’m so scared she might move on – even though she says she loves me. What’s wrong with me? HEART­BRO­KEN, EMAIL

A She’s

the one who wants a break and it might have noth­ing to do with you. Don’t blame your­self over someone else’s de­ci­sion. If she wants a break, give it to her – it’s bet­ter that way, rather than be­ing with her when she doesn’t want to be with you.

What you need to find out from her are the terms of the break and how long it’s go­ing to be. She can’t keep you in limbo for­ever. You de­serve to get those an­swers so you know where you stand.

Q I HAVE NO SUP­PORT

I’m a 27-year-old man with a bad back prob­lem and I can’t work. My par­ents died in 2008 and the rest of my fam­ily is not sup­port­ing me. I’ve tried to get ad­vice from peo­ple but no one has helped me. What can I do? FM, EMAIL

A It’s sad that at such a young age you can’t do any­thing to help your­self sur­vive and live a mean­ing­ful life. Maybe you could find a job that doesn’t re­quire too much phys­i­cal ac­tiv­ity. You can also get as­sis­tance from your near­est health fa­cil­ity.

They’ll re­fer you to a state doc­tor who will de­ter­mine the ex­tent of your back prob­lem and make a rec­om­men­da­tion if you’re leg­i­ble for a dis­abil­ity grant. Then you can make an ap­pli­ca­tion through the South African So­cial Se­cu­rity Agency. Good luck.

Q MY SE­CRET BABY

I be­came preg­nant when I was 17 and the fa­ther of my child told me to get an abor­tion. He wouldn’t come with me to the clinic so I kept the baby.

He told me not to bring the baby to his fam­ily and I didn’t take her to my fam­ily ei­ther be­cause I was scared to dis­ap­point them and to get my aunt in trou­ble – I was stay­ing with her when I had the baby. This year I met his fam­ily and they want to be part of our daugh­ter’s life and pay dam­ages. But I’m scared to tell my mom. SCARED, EMAIL

A You have to be com­mended for the brave step you took of keep­ing the baby and rais­ing her on your own. You made a de­ci­sion you knew you could live with. The worst is over so now you need to do right by your baby – she de­serves to know her ma­ter­nal roots.

Your mother has to un­der­stand that the baby’s fa­ther kept you away from his fam­ily and now that they know about the baby they’re will­ing to do the right thing. Speak to your aunt and ask her to talk to your mother. If all else fails you can get help from a fam­ily ther­a­pist at the Fam­ily Life Cen­tre on 011-788-4788.

Q IS SHE THE ONE? I’m 27 and went to a see a witch­doc­tor in May. He told me to pick three pic­ture cards – I chose the moon, the an­gel of love and the king on the plain. He told me my life would change and that I’ll meet the woman of my dreams.

I’m a book­worm and in the li­brary the fol­low­ing week there was a beau­ti­ful girl sit­ting next to me. She had an an­gel tat­too, like the one on the card. I told her the story of the witch­doc­tor and I asked to date her. She’s 23 and still study­ing and says I must wait. I know this is the right girl for me but how do I con­vince her I’m se­ri­ous? YT, EMAIL

A You can’t force a re­la­tion­ship to hap­pen just be­cause you’re ready. If she’s not ready then you should re­spect her wishes. What you can do is ask her to be your friend.

That way you can spend time to­gether and get to know each other bet­ter with no strings at­tached. If it’s meant to be it will be, so don’t come on too strong and end up scar­ing her away. Be pa­tient with her – she barely knows you.

Q SEX WITH HIM AN­NOYS ME

I’ve been mar­ried for seven years and my hus­band has been on ARVs for two years. We’ve been us­ing con­doms since his di­ag­no­sis but now I can’t feel him prop­erly and sex is no longer good – it just an­noys me. How can I love him again? FRUS­TRATED, SMS

A If he’s HIV-pos­i­tive and you’re HIVneg­a­tive you’re what’s called a serodis­cor­dant cou­ple. This can come with a lot of anx­i­eties and con­fu­sion but there’s no cause for alarm. You both need to talk about the chal­lenges and to­gether you should re­search tech­niques to en­hance your love-mak­ing with­out jeop­ar­dis­ing each other’s health.

You could also see a sex ther­a­pist. You still love your hus­band so you need to ac­knowl­edge the change and find ways to make things work.

‘The worst is over, so now you need to do right by your baby – she de­serves to know her ma­ter­nal roots’

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