“WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?”
Lately I have been engaging in deep uncomfortable topics which have arouse feelings that I have since realized were only resting and not necessarily dead. Recalling a specific day on a certain year in time as my ears received the news of me being associated with witchcraft, a rumor started by the same lips I once kissed and rested on to help I grow spiritually. The cold feeling rushing through my spine and an equally fast paced heat wave exploding my blood veins, confusing my body into a state a paralysis. At that very moment I saw myself packing my bags from the peaceful world where I once lived and moved into the kingdom of ANGER and HATE whereby I boldly crowned myself queen of BITTERNESS.
After playing myself a victim for months, surrounded by Christian mentors and the irritating small voice in my head that preached forgiveness. I found myself dying a little more everyday as my pain inflictors continued with their happy lives and flourished at it. I felt myself fall into a deep dark pit as I believed that I rightfully deserved an apology. All I ever wanted to hear was “I’m sorry”. BUT … What if that apology never came. People hurt us knowingly, but not everyone is sorry. How much power are you willing to give the oppressor for them to hurt you over and over and over again without uttering a word to you? Because by holding onto pain, anger and hate, that is exactly what you are doing. Holding yourself prisoner in your own mind and paradise of grudges and breaking every time you see them happy. Yes, they have you hurt that much we cannot deny, but what are you waiting for? Why are you not forgiving them?
I have held onto plentiful resentment long enough to start writing motivational articles about it. 1 year, 8 months and a few days I waited and on 13 March 2018 11:45 am, I finally received the apology I have longed to hear but accepted that I never would. It was not the public announcement that I thought the situation deserved, but it was an apology nonetheless. Now this is where it gets tricky: As the excitement of calling friends and texting family started weighing off, it hit me like a rolling thunder. I received the apology, now what? The price of bread is still the same, the proposals that I turned down and people I pushed away while I pitied myself are still gone, the bitter stinging feeling in my heart is still there. In fact, my anger has now multiplied since the apology as I had used the pain to create a new identity for myself. It may be assumed that I no longer have a reason to be bitter, they took away my power to hate them and any pain discomfort that I experience hereon is self- inflicted.
Now I will ask you again, what are you waiting for? I have received my apology, yet I was still pained. I have now learnt that forgiveness is an inside job, a state of mind and peace felt in the heart. In life you need to learn to forgive people who are not sorry. Let go of the pain before it consumes you. No matter how unfairly treated you were and deserving to be receiving an apology, not everyone is going to recognize your pain or own up to their mistakes. A few moons ago, we planted our mother of the nation, Winnie Mandela. How many of her oppressors do you think apologized? And of the apologies that she received, how many of them do you think erased the trauma that she faced? How many of those apologies gave her back the number of years that she lost with her children and husband?
Here are a million “I AM SORRY” to you on behalf of everyone who has ever hurt you. A million more for every person you were still waiting to hear it from, wait no more. Set yourself free, don’t kill yourself over the same people who will cry the loudest at your funeral, only to turn and do the same unkind things to someone else tomorrow. No one is worth your life, you could lay yourself on the ground for people to walk over you and there are some who would still complain that you are not flat enough. Forgive them not because they deserve it, but because you deserve a greater level of peace that the one you are currently experiencing. What are you waiting for?
VUTOMI TALKS ABOUT HOW THE PAST CAN TORTURE YOU IF YOU DO NOT MAKE PEACE FROM THE BROKEN PIECES, FORGIVE AND MOVE ON.