THE SON-IN-LAW, who has emigrated, receives an email informing him that his mother-in-law has died.
“How should we treat the mortal remains? Embalm, bury or cremate?”
“All three, please.” MEN ARE LIKE… Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, there’s little interest.
Blenders. Women mostly have one, but are rarely really quite sure why.
Government bonds. Take years to mature, if ever.
Used cars. Easy to get, but if they are cheap, they will certainly be unreliable.
Private Eye’s weather report for Iraq. It will be Sunni in some areas. Other regions will be real Shi-ite. FIVE RULES life:
for a man to have a happy
5. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, is a good cook, cleans and has a well-paid job. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh and laughs at your jokes. It’s important to have a woman you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you. It’s important to have a woman who’s superb and who likes to be with you. It’s very, very important that these four women never meet! KAIZER CHIEFS’ MANAGER flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football. He’s suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to South Africa. Two weeks later Kaizer Chiefs are 4-0 down with only 20 minutes to go. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and he runs on to the field.
The lad is a sensation. He scores five goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Kaizer Chiefs! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
After the game he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in South African football. “Hello mum, guess what?” he says. “I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored five and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.”
”Wonderful,” says his mum, “Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such a great time.”
The young lad is very upset: “What can I say, mum, but I’m so sorry.”
”Sorry, sorry?” says his mum, “It’s your fault we moved to Johannesburg in the first place!” ONE DAY the minister noticed a small boy standing in the doorway of the church looking carefully at a large memorial plaque against the wall. It was filled with names, and there were small flags along the sides. The seven-yearold boy looked at the memorial in awe for a long time. Eventually, the minister approached, stood beside the boy and said softly: “Good morning, my boy.”
“Morning, Reverend,” he said, his eyes still drawn to the plaque. “Reverend, what is this?” he finally asked.
The minister replied: “Well, son, this is a memorial for all the young men who lost their lives in service.”
In silence and with great respect, the two stood looking at the names on the plaque.
At last, barely audibly, the boy asked: “Which service, Reverend? The morning or the evening service?”
The new Toyota Cowrolla