Finweek English Edition - - Investor Statistics -

OLYMPICS IN CHINA On your masks, get set, cough! PIKER’S FOR­MULA TO GET AHEAD IN BUSI­NESS WHAT MAKES 100%? What does it mean to give more than 100%? We’ve all been to those meet­ings where some­one wants you to give more than 100%. How about achiev­ing 103%? Piker has a lit­tle math­e­mat­i­cal for­mula that might help you an­swer those ques­tions: If: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVW XYZ is rep­re­sented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% And look how far ass kiss­ing will take you: A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So Piker can con­clude – with math­e­mat­i­cal cer­tainty – that while hard work and knowl­edge will get you close, and at­ti­tude will get you there, it’s the bull­shit and ass kiss­ing that will put you over the top. WAR OF THE SEXES He said: “Why are mar­ried women heav­ier than sin­gle women?”

She said: “Sin­gle women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Mar­ried women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.” A TEACHER IS ex­plain­ing bi­ol­ogy to her 4th grade stu­dents. “Hu­man be­ings are the only an­i­mals that stut­ter,” says the teacher.

A lit­tle girl raises her hand. “I had a kit­ty­cat who stut­tered,” she vol­un­teered.

The teacher, know­ing how pre­cious some of th­ese sto­ries could be­come, asks the girl to de­scribe the in­ci­dent.

“Well,” she be­gins, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rot­tweiler that lives next door got a run­ning start and be­fore we knew it he jumped over the fence into our yard!”

“‘That must have been scary,” says the teacher.

“It sure was,” replies the lit­tle girl. “My kitty raised his back, went ‘Fffff, Fffff, Fffff’... and be­fore he could say ‘Fuck Off!’ the Rot­tweiler ate him.” PERKS OF BE­ING OVER 50 Kid­nap­pers aren’t very in­ter­ested in you. In a hostage sit­u­a­tion you’re likely to be re­leased first. No­body ex­pects you to run – any­where. Peo­ple call at 9pm and ask: “Did I wake you?” Peo­ple no longer view you as a hypochon­driac. There’s noth­ing left to learn the hard way. Things you buy now won’t wear out. You can eat sup­per at 4pm. You can live with­out sex but not your glasses. You get into heated ar­gu­ments about pen­sion plans. You no longer think of speed lim­its as a chal­lenge. You quit try­ing to hold your stom­ach in, no mat­ter who walks into the room. You sing along with mu­sic in a lift. Your eyes won’t get much worse. Your in­vest­ment in health in­sur­ance is fi­nally be­gin­ning to pay off. Your joints are more ac­cu­rate me­te­o­rol­o­gists than the TV weather ser­vice. Your se­crets are safe with your friends be­cause they can’t re­mem­ber them ei­ther. Your sup­ply of brain cells is fi­nally down to man­age­able size. You can’t re­mem­ber who sent you this list.

When Telkom brings down broad­band prices we can all start work­ing from home...

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