OLYMPICS IN CHINA On your masks, get set, cough! PIKER’S FORMULA TO GET AHEAD IN BUSINESS WHAT MAKES 100%? What does it mean to give more than 100%? We’ve all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give more than 100%. How about achieving 103%? Piker has a little mathematical formula that might help you answer those questions: If: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVW XYZ is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% And look how far ass kissing will take you: A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So Piker can conclude – with mathematical certainty – that while hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it’s the bullshit and ass kissing that will put you over the top. WAR OF THE SEXES He said: “Why are married women heavier than single women?”
She said: “Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.” A TEACHER IS explaining biology to her 4th grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” says the teacher.
A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kittycat who stuttered,” she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asks the girl to describe the incident.
“Well,” she begins, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it he jumped over the fence into our yard!”
“‘That must have been scary,” says the teacher.
“It sure was,” replies the little girl. “My kitty raised his back, went ‘Fffff, Fffff, Fffff’... and before he could say ‘Fuck Off!’ the Rottweiler ate him.” PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 Kidnappers aren’t very interested in you. In a hostage situation you’re likely to be released first. Nobody expects you to run – anywhere. People call at 9pm and ask: “Did I wake you?” People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. There’s nothing left to learn the hard way. Things you buy now won’t wear out. You can eat supper at 4pm. You can live without sex but not your glasses. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You sing along with music in a lift. Your eyes won’t get much worse. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the TV weather service. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. You can’t remember who sent you this list.
When Telkom brings down broadband prices we can all start working from home...