ON MAR­GIN

Finweek English Edition - - Piker -

LOOKING FOR HOT GUYS

A STUDY CON­DUCTED BY UCLA’s Depart­ment of Psy­chi­a­try has re­vealed the kind of face a woman finds at­trac­tive on a man can dif­fer de­pend­ing on where she is in her men­strual cy­cle. For ex­am­ple: If she’s ovu­lat­ing she’s at­tracted to men with rugged and mas­cu­line fea­tures. How­ever, if she is pre-men­strual or menopausal she tends to be more at­tracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his fore­head while he’s on fire.

No fur­ther stud­ies are ex­pected.

THE THINGS YOU LEARN FROM YOUR MOTHER

My mother taught me to ap­pre­ci­ate a job well done: “If you’re go­ing to kill each other, do it out­side. I just fin­ished clean­ing.”

My mother taught me re­li­gion: “You bet­ter pray that will come out of the car­pet.”

My mother taught me about time travel: “If you don’t straighten up I’m go­ing to knock you into the mid­dle of next week!”

My mother taught me logic: “Be­cause I said so, that’s why.”

My mother taught me more logic: “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not go­ing to the shops with me.”

My mother taught me fore­sight: “Make sure you wear clean un­der­wear, in case you’re in an ac­ci­dent.”

My mother taught me irony: “Keep cry­ing and I’ll give you some­thing to cry about.”

My mother taught me about the sci­ence of os­mo­sis: “Shut your mouth and eat your sup­per.”

My mother taught me about con­tor­tion­ism: “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

My mother taught me about stamina: “You’ll sit there un­til you’ve eaten all your spinach.”

My mother taught me about the weather: “This room of yours looks as if a tor­nado went through it.”

My mother taught me about hypocrisy: “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a mil­lion times. Don’t ex­ag­ger­ate!”

My mother taught me the cir­cle of life: “I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it.”

My mother taught me about be­hav­iour mod­i­fi­ca­tion: “Stop act­ing like your fa­ther!”

My mother taught me about envy: “There are mil­lions of less for­tu­nate chil­dren in this world who don’t have won­der­ful par­ents like you do.”

My mother taught me about an­tic­i­pa­tion: “Just wait un­til we get home.”

My mother taught me about re­ceiv­ing: “You’re go­ing to get it when you get home!”

My mother taught me med­i­cal sci­ence: “If you don’t stop cross­ing your eyes, they’re go­ing to get stuck that way.”

My mother taught me ESP: “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you’ve got a cold?”

My mother taught me hu­mour: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes don’t come run­ning to me.”

My mother taught me how to be­come an adult: “If you don’t eat your veg­eta­bles you’ll never grow up.”

My mother taught me ge­net­ics: “You’re just like your fa­ther.”

My mother taught me about my roots: “Shut that door be­hind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

My mother taught me wis­dom: “When you get to be my age you’ll un­der­stand.” And my favourite. My mother taught me about jus­tice: “One day you’ll have kids and I hope they turn out just like you.”

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