The break-up of South Africa

It was just a mat­ter of time

Finweek English Edition - - Openers - FRIK ELS frike@fin­

NOW THAT MY HEDGE FUND man­ager – Dr Ir­ra­tional Ex­u­ber­ant, al­though his friends call him Dow 36K – as­sures me the freeze in the debt and the melt­down in share mar­kets are fin­ish and klaar and the rand has had its fall for the fore­see­able fu­ture, it’s time again to fo­cus on the real is­sues fac­ing our coun­try.

Al­though it con­sti­tutes earth-shat­ter­ing events in some cir­cles, I’m not talk­ing about the Puke Wat­son saga or the ridicu­lous­ness of the whole Spring­bok em­blem de­bate at a time when we’re wast­ing tens of mil­lions of rand coach­ing a hope­less soc­cer team in­stead of build­ing fields and sup­ply­ing kit to schools. The oxy­gen for that par­tic­u­lar pub­lic­ity stunt from our slow boat to Bei­jing sports au­thor­i­ties should be turned off right about now.

When Mbeki got Bob to sign the pow­er­shar­ing agree­ment it was tempt­ing to ig­nore the un­work­able na­ture of the deal – ‘cause at least some­thing was hap­pen­ing. A few months later it’s fairly ob­vi­ous that just as Bob stole the elec­tion from un­der the nose of Mor­gan, he’s do­ing much the same with the cur­rent process. Should we care? Now that Zim is in full ran­deri­sa­tion, prob­a­bly not.

What I’m talk­ing about is the end of the union.

I was sur­prised, though not un­pleas­antly, when Mbeki was re­called and even more so when he went qui­etly. I was also sur­prised – pleas­antly, this time – that a break­away group was ac­tu­ally be­ing formed. The New ANC or NANC (What will the youth league of the new party be called? The Nancy’s?) shouldn’t be al­lowed to be­come an­other United Demo­cratic Move­ment. I don’t want to spoil any more bal­lots like I’ve been in aid of Ban­tubonke’s cause (which is what again?).

Pres­i­dent Sam (now that Ter­ror is again per­mis­si­ble, we can play Sam again I gather) Shilowa has a cer­tain ring to it. Even bet­ter if it’s Pres­i­dent of the Repub­lic of Gaut­eng. That’s right. Gaut­eng has for far too long car­ried the other prov­inces – my taxes fund white ele­phants such as Koe­berg, Coega and La Mercy in the poorer parts. The NANC can for­get about 100% Zulu Boy Land and eKoloni in the elec­tions any­way: they’re firmly in con­trol of the two Zs – Zille and Zuma. I’m propos­ing noth­ing short of a break­away repub­lic along the lines of In­gushetia and Mon­tene­gro or those on the cards, such as Pada­nia and Alaska.

Here’s the plan I’ll be shar­ing with Ter­ror, Sam and Ge­orge at the Novem­ber con­ven­tion. The NANC should form an al­liance

It should have an in­clu­sive name, such as the United Her­stigte In­de­pen­dent African

Na­tional Congress + Move­ment...

with the UDM and the Free­dom Front Plus (FF+). It should have an in­clu­sive name, such as the United Her­stigte In­de­pen­dent African Na­tional Congress + Move­ment. The UHI-ANC+M should first re­con­sti­tute the old Boer Re­publics of the ZAR and Or­ange Free State, with the help of the Ora­nia Aux­il­iary Force. Ban­tubonke can do the same with the Kaf­frar­ian Ri­fles in the old Trans and Ciskei (I’m sure he’s se­cretly har­bour­ing such a vi­sion any­way).

That way the new Repub­lic of Gaut­eng, link­ing up with Tran­sciskei via Le­sotho, which will nat­u­rally be sub­sumed in the new en­tity (we in­vaded it 10 years ago; we could do it again), will at least have ac­cess to the sea.

I don’t think it’s too soon to start singing the new na­tional an­them. Al­to­gether now: Gaut­en­ge­leng, Gaut­en­ge­leng. I wanna stay in Gaut­en­galeng. Die crime is streng but what the heng. Dis lekker om te lewe hie’ in Gaut­en­ge­leng.

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