SOUTH AFRICA’S best-selling tabloid recently ran the headline “Evil eats my cash!” It was a report about R100 notes being chewed up every night in a woman’s house near East London. Some may say it’s the work of rats, but the houseowner believes it’s the work of a tokoloshe.
Given the economic situation, “Evil eats my cash” wouldn’t seem so out of place on The Wall Street Journal’s front page.
ACCORDING TO A REPORT from DigitalJournal.com, a homeless man named Roy Brown, 54, robbed the Capital One bank in Shreveport, Louisiana, in the United States and came away with just one US$100 bill (he only wanted enough for a stay at the nearby detox centre). After feeling remorseful, he surrendered to the police the next day. After plead- ing guilty, the district judge sentenced him to 15 years in prison for first-degree robbery.
That’s not how it’s done – make billions disappear from a bank and receive a bonus and a bailout.
THAT’S THE SPIRIT
PATRICK WALKS INTO A BAR in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in a corner, drinking a sip from each pint in turn. When he’s finished all three he goes back to the bar and orders three more.
The barman says: “You know, a pint goes flat soon after I pull it. Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
Patrick replies: “Well now, I have two brodders – one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin. When we all left home we promised dat we’d drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder.”
The barman admits it’s a nice custom and says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn until they’re finished.
One day he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says: “I don’t want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”
Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, “Oh no,” he says. “Everyone’s fine. Tis me... I’ve quit drinkin!”
THE WASHINGTON POST has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. The winners were: 1. Coffee (n) – the person upon whom one
coughs. 2. Flabbergasted (adj) – appalled over how
much weight you’ve gained. 3. Abdicate (v) – to give up all hope of ever
having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v) – to attempt an explanation
while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly (adj) – impotent. 6. Negligent (adj) – describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown. 7. Lymph (v) – to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n) – olive-flavoured mouth
wash. 9. Flatulence (n) – emergency vehicle that picks you up after you’re run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash (n) – a rapidly receding hair
line. 11. Testicle (n) – a humorous question on an
exam. 12. Rectitude (n) – the formal, dignified bear
ing adopted by proctologists. 13. Pokemon (n) – a Rastafarian proctologist. 14. Frisbeetarianism (n) – the belief that, when you die, your soul flies up on to the roof and gets stuck there. 15. Circumvent (n) – an opening in the front of
boxer shorts worn by circumcised men.