A policeman is staking out a bar looking for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a man stumble out of the bar, trip on the kerb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in his car, it takes the man another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everyone else leaves the bar and drives off.
When the man finally pulls away, the policeman is waiting for him. He pulls him over and gives him a breathalyser test. The test shows he has a blood-alcohol level of zero.
“That can’t be right,” says the policeman. “Yes, it can,” says the man. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.” Johnny says to his mother, “Mommy, I want to be a drummer when I grow up!” “Now, Johnny,” replies Mom. “You know you can’t do both.” A man and wife are at a volleyball game when they notice a very affectionate couple who are running their hands over each other passionately. “I don’t know whether to watch them or the game,” says the man.
“Watch them!” says his wife. “You already know how to play volleyball.” The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.
“The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.” “What’s the good news?’ “Your cholesterol is 130.” A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she says.
“Sure, it does,” he replies. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.” “The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.” – Pauly Peligroso