On mar­gin

Finweek English Edition - - PIKER -

New Year’s res­o­lu­tions

How you elect to spend New Year’s Eve will de­pend on your: 1. age 2. re­main­ing lev­els of op­ti­mism 3. thresh­old of pain

– Joseph Connolly New Year’s Eve, when auld ac­quain­tances be for­got. Un­less, of course, those tests come back positive.

– Jay Leno An op­ti­mist stays up un­til midnight to see the new year in. A pes­simist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

– Bill Vaughan Women get a lit­tle more ex­cited about New Year’s Eve than men do. It’s like an ex­cuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of prom­ises you’re not go­ing to keep; the next morn­ing as soon as you wake up you start break­ing them. For men, we just call that a date. – Jay Leno Youth is when you’re al­lowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Mid­dle age is when you’re forced to.

– Bill Vaughan May all your trou­bles last as long as your New Year’s res­o­lu­tions. – Joey Adams SOURCE: www.funny-jokes-quotes­say­ings.com/new-year-jokes

Highly am­bi­tious

Ge­orge W. Bush, Barack Obama and Don­ald Trump were all leav­ing Wash­ing­ton DC and go­ing the same di­rec­tion, so they de­cided to take Air Force One. Un­for­tu­nately, due to a me­chan­i­cal is­sue, the plane crashed, killing all on board.

So Bush, Obama and Trump ap­proached the pearly gates, where God sat on his throne.

“Tell me, what do you be­lieve in?” God asked Bush.

“I be­lieve in ed­u­ca­tion and free trade,” was the re­ply.

“Ex­cel­lent. Take a seat here on my right,” God said.

“Now tell me, Mr Obama, what do you be­lieve in?” God asked.

“I be­lieve in equal rights for all and universal health­care,” Obama replied.

“Very good. Take a seat to my left,” God in­structed.

“And Mr Trump, what do you be­lieve in?” God queried.

“I be­lieve you are sit­ting in my seat,” Trump shot back.

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