Trumpets and guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbour pays him a visit and says: “So how is your strange business going?” “What do you mean strange?” “Because you sell only trumpets and guns!” “So?” “Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?”
“It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbours buys a gun.”
A Calvinist arrives at the gates of heaven.
He sees that there are two lines going in. One has a sign that reads “Predestined”, the other “Free will”. He naturally heads to the predestined line.
While waiting, an angel comes and asks him: “Why are you in this line?” He replies: “Because I chose it.” The angel looks surprised, “Well, if you ‘chose’ it, then you should be in the free will line.”
So our Calvinist, now slightly miffed, obediently wanders over to the free will line.
Again, after a few minutes, another angel approached him and asks: “Why are you in this line?”
He sullenly replies: “Someone made me come here.”
Consonant or vowel?
SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.
Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?
Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? [Silence.] Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are. Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it. Me: What is a vowel? Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is… ahh… eh… well, oh… uh… Me: Close enough.
Supplied by Robert Alvarez to rd.com
So what if I don’t know what Armageddon means? It’s not the end of the world!
A bite of...
W: What’s red and bad for your teeth? A: A brick.
Conspiracy theories are a lot like moon landings.
They’re all fake.