An accountant is having trouble sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says.
“Have you tried counting sheep?” enquires the doctor.
“That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
Not your average bean counters
A guy in a bar leans over to the man next to him and says: “Want to hear an accountant joke?”
The guy next to him replies: “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I’m 1.9m tall, 100kg, and I’m an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 1.95m tall, 120kg, and he’s an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?”
The first guy says: “No, I don’t want to have to explain it twice.”
The perfect outfit
A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit. As he tried it on, he reached down to put his hands in the pockets but to his surprise found none.
He mentioned this to the tailor, who asked him: “You’re a banker, right?”
The young man answered: “Yes, I am.”
“Well, whoever heard of a banker putting his hand in his own pocket?” SOURCES: bituptick.com; emailstopwatch.com
Drunk and (dis)orderly
Q: How do you get 100 drunk and rowdy Canadians out of a pool?
A: You say: “Please get out of the pool.”
Today I happened to be in the area where I grew up so I went to look at my old childhood home. I knocked and asked if I could look around a bit, but the owners said no and shut the door in my face.
My parents can be so damn rude sometimes.
Trying your luck
The women I meet in bars always have the worst pick-up lines... They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”