A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s wearing sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this man: “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”
The guy replies: “I’m Joe Cohen, stockbroker, of New York City.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the stockbroker: “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
The stockbroker goes into heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out: “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister: “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a stockbroker – he gets a silken robe and golden staff but I, a minister, only get a cotton robe and wooden staff? How can this be?”
“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept. His clients... they prayed.”
Q: How do you find a good small-cap fund manager?
A: Find a good large-cap fund manager, and wait. ________________________________________
“I’m thinking of leaving my husband,” complained the broker’s wife. “All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be.” ________________________________________
Momentum investing: The fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value investing: The art of buying low and selling lower. ________________________________________
Q: Why did God create stock analysts? A: In order to make weather forecasters look good. ________________________________________
The stockbroker’s creed: A man is a client until proven broke.