The beginner’s guide to trading
Chart: What you check after you exit trading, trying to understand what went wrong.
System trading: A phrase you employ to explain to the apprentice how your trade did not work out the way you meant. Break: A pause you take when you have either two profitable or five unprofitable deals in a row.
Moving average: A curly line that has nothing to do with the price movement if you have an open position. Trendline: An imaginary line on the price chart that only changes when the market is closed or when you are not looking.
Day trading: Trading which you start too late and exit too early.
Scalping: Losing only an eighth in one go.
Confusion: Six open positions.
Friday: A weekly opportunity to give back everything you gained that week.
By the hour
A lawyer dies and goes to heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only 55.”
“Fifty-five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to our calculations you’re 82.”
“How’d you get that?” the lawyer asks.
Answers St Peter: “We added up your time sheets.”
Running out of time
The doctor told a woman that she only had six months to live.
“Oh my goodness!” said the woman. “What shall I do?”
“Marry an accountant,” suggested the doctor.
“Why?” asked the woman. “Will that make me live longer?”
“No,” replied the doctor. “But it will seem longer.”
The generous Almighty
A man said to God: “God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?” God said yes.
The man said: “God, is it true that to you a billion rand is like a cent?”
God said yes.
The guy said: “God, can I have a cent?” God said: “Sure, just a second.”