Crunching the numbers
The owner of a feedlot was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from university and I need some assistance. If I were to give you R200 000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought for a moment, then replied, “Everything but my earrings.” SOURCE: Jumbojoke.com
A blonde’s brain at work
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work for a female boss who always goes home early.
“Hey girls,” says the brunette. “Let’s go home early tomorrow. She’ll never know.”
So the next day, they all leave right after their boss. The brunette gets some gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
“That was fun,” the brunette says. “We should do it again sometime.”
“No way,” says the blonde. “I almost got caught!”
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Hoping to look like a hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he was working on a big, important business deal.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”
An employee goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
“Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”
“We’re short-handed,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”
“Thanks, boss,” says the employee, “I knew I could count on you!”
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...
...then my illegal logging business is a success.
One mistake that many make, I’ve found, is to think it’s too late when it’s still quite early.
South Africa is an admin nightmare. Want to switch from white bread to whole-wheat? Please bring proof of residence and two certified ID copies.
If you want a tranquil life you cannot be a Grindrod shareholder.
Outrageous of @Julius_S_Malema to demand a parliamentary breathalyser. How, unless senses dulled by alcohol, could one endure such tedium?
When all this is over we need to give a National Order of the Baobab to the person who first clicked “Forward” on the Gupta emails.
You can’t get on the same page with someone who has a different book.
@MichaelJordaan There is no original idea. It’s only been badly implemented before.
The Reserve Bank sent me mail on 26 June. I got it today. Average speed: 0.4km/h. So about the Post Office delivering social grants...
“The big money is not in the buying or the selling, but in the sitting.”
– Jesse Livermore, American investor and analyst (1877-1940)