On mar­gin

Finweek English Edition - - Piker - Ed­ward Lando tas­neem jhetam Karin Richards WSM Lesego Se­menya C’est la vie Michael Jordaan Phillip de Wet

Crunch­ing the num­bers

The owner of a feed­lot was con­fused about pay­ing an in­voice, so he de­cided to ask his sec­re­tary for some math­e­mat­i­cal help.

He called her into his of­fice and said, “You grad­u­ated from univer­sity and I need some as­sis­tance. If I were to give you R200 000, mi­nus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The sec­re­tary thought for a mo­ment, then replied, “Ev­ery­thing but my ear­rings.” SOURCE: Jum­bo­joke.com

A blonde’s brain at work

A blonde, a brunette and a red­head all work for a fe­male boss who al­ways goes home early.

“Hey girls,” says the brunette. “Let’s go home early to­mor­row. She’ll never know.”

So the next day, they all leave right after their boss. The brunette gets some gar­den­ing done, the red­head goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her hus­band hav­ing sex with the boss. She qui­etly sneaks out of the house and re­turns at her nor­mal time.

“That was fun,” the brunette says. “We should do it again some­time.”

“No way,” says the blonde. “I al­most got caught!”

SOURCE: Jokes.cc.com

Hot shot

A young busi­ness­man had just started his own firm. He rented a beau­ti­ful of­fice and had it fur­nished with an­tiques. Sit­ting there, he saw a man come into the outer of­fice. Hop­ing to look like a hot shot, the busi­ness­man picked up the phone and started to pre­tend he was work­ing on a big, im­por­tant busi­ness deal.

He threw huge fig­ures around and made gi­ant com­mit­ments. Fi­nally he hung up and asked the vis­i­tor, “Can I help you?”

The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to ac­ti­vate your phone lines.”

SOURCE: Al­ber­taven­ture.com

Day off

An em­ployee goes to see his su­per­vi­sor in the front of­fice.

“Boss,” he says, “we’re do­ing some heavy house-clean­ing at home to­mor­row, and my wife needs me to help with the at­tic and the garage, mov­ing and haul­ing stuff.”

“We’re short-handed,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”

“Thanks, boss,” says the em­ployee, “I knew I could count on you!”

SOURCE: Al­ber­taven­ture.com

In brief

If a tree falls in the for­est and no one is around to hear it...

...then my il­le­gal log­ging busi­ness is a suc­cess.

@ed­ward­lando

One mis­take that many make, I’ve found, is to think it’s too late when it’s still quite early.

@Fan­tazzo

South Africa is an ad­min night­mare. Want to switch from white bread to whole-wheat? Please bring proof of res­i­dence and two cer­ti­fied ID copies.

@Richard­s_Karin

If you want a tran­quil life you can­not be a Grindrod share­holder.

@TheJaun­dicedEye

Out­ra­geous of @Julius_S_Malema to de­mand a par­lia­men­tary breathal­yser. How, un­less senses dulled by al­co­hol, could one en­dure such te­dium?

@LesDaChef

When all this is over we need to give a Na­tional Or­der of the Baobab to the per­son who first clicked “For­ward” on the Gupta emails.

@Robert_Beau

You can’t get on the same page with some­one who has a dif­fer­ent book.

@MichaelJor­daan There is no orig­i­nal idea. It’s only been badly im­ple­mented be­fore.

@phillipdewet

The Re­serve Bank sent me mail on 26 June. I got it today. Av­er­age speed: 0.4km/h. So about the Post Of­fice de­liv­er­ing so­cial grants...

“The big money is not in the buy­ing or the sell­ing, but in the sit­ting.”

– Jesse Liver­more, Amer­i­can in­vestor and an­a­lyst (1877-1940)

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