An employee goes to her boss to ask for a raise after two years with the company. The boss looks at her and says, “Because of the fluctuations in your position’s productive capacity as juxtaposed to industry standards, it would be monetarily injudicious to advocate an increment.”
“I don’t get it,” she says. “That’s right,” the boss says. _______________________________________ The senior manager of a company calls his deputy into his office.
“Have you been fooling around with Janice from accounting?” the boss asks.
“No sir,” the deputy replies. “Absolutely not!”
“Good,” the manager says. “Then you fire her.”
A woman arrives at a restaurant, Gabrielle’s Kitchen, at lunchtime. It is very busy and she is told the next table will only be free in an hour.
She holds her phone to her ear and says in a loud voice: “Girl, you won’t believe it, but your husband is having lunch with some woman at Gabrielle’s Kitchen!” Half the diners instantly get up and rush to the exit.
The Guardian and The Telegraph compiled a list of the best jokes of this year’s Edinburgh Fringe festival:
“Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side – only three more sleeps till Christmas.” – Robert Garnham
“Relationships are like mobile phones. You look at your iPhone 5 and think, it used to be a lot quicker to turn this thing on.” – Athena Kugblenu
“I’m very conflicted by eye tests. I want to get the answers right but I really want to win the glasses.” – Caroline Mabey
“In the bedroom, my girlfriend really likes it when I wear a suit, because she’s got this kinky fantasy where I have a proper job.” – Phil Wang
“My hotel room was so small, I could barely open the Bible.” – Joe Sutherland
“Netflix and chill. Because we can afford a TV licence and heating?” – Aatif Nawaz
“It’s not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is: what are we busy about?”
− Henry David Thoreau, American essayist, philosopher and historian (1817-1862)