Do you come here of­ten? Won­der how much sex ev­ery­one else is re­ally hav­ing? Spoiler: it’s prob­a­bly not as much as you think

Won­der how much sex ev­ery­one else is re­ally hav­ing? Spoiler: it’s prob­a­bly not as much as you think, says Rachel Hills, author of The Sex Myth.

Glamour (South Africa) - - La Une -

When I was in my 20s, I went to lots of par­ties and worked my butt off to earn a cou­ple of dream jobs. I had a suc­ces­sion of lifeaf­firm­ing friend­ships, and flirted with some dev­as­tat­ingly hand­some men. One thing I didn’t do, how­ever, was have a lot of sex.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want sex, or that I couldn’t find some­one to do it with – the op­por­tu­nity just didn’t come around that of­ten. At least, not in the way that I wanted it to: with some­one I ac­tu­ally liked and whom I could trust not to be awk­ward about it the fol­low­ing week.

It’s a far cry from the Tin­der fan­tasy of self-as­sured sin­gle women fill­ing their plates at an all-you-can-eat sex­ual buf­fet, but sto­ries like mine are more com­mon than you might think. Ac­cord­ing to the 2013 Na­tional Sur­vey of Sex­ual At­ti­tudes and Life­styles, one in five 25-44 year olds haven’t had sex in the past month; among those be­tween 16 and 24, the num­ber hov­ers around 40%.

“If you’re not in a re­la­tion­ship, it’s ex­pected that you’ll be hook­ing up with peo­ple,” says Sarah, 25 – one of more than 200 men and women I spoke to about their sex lives for my new book The Sex Myth (Si­mon & Schuster, R287). “I’m sin­gle and haven’t had sex for three years, but I don’t have to be con­stantly on the search,” Sarah ex­plains.

Then there are the sex sur­veys con­ducted to pro­mote a prod­uct or a ser­vice (read: not ex­actly spe­cific), which “mas­sively over­es­ti­mate how of­ten peo­ple are hav­ing sex,” re­veals so­cial psy­chol­o­gist Dr Pe­tra Boyn­ton.

It’s no sur­prise then that many of us feel like we’re fall­ing short when it comes to our sex lives – won­der­ing if we’re sexy enough, sex­ual enough or if our re­la­tion­ships are up to scratch. And it’s the gap be­tween ex­pec­ta­tion and re­al­ity that I’ve come to call ‘The sex myth’. What’s re­ally ‘nor­mal’ when it comes to sex? And does more sex equal a hap­pier re­la­tion­ship? I sat down with 13 women for some no-holds-barred #re­altalk. Here’s what they had to say.

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