Three­some

Glamour (South Africa) - - Sex -

be­cause you were too drunk to go home, and then hands wan­dered. You might have been on a villa hol­i­day in Capri, Italy, and found it im­pos­si­ble to pick be­tween two fel­low guests. You might even have kicked off pro­ceed­ings as a pair, and then kindly in­vited the third per­son into the fray when they ac­ci­den­tally stum­bled into the room look­ing for their coat.

In sex, as in life, gen­eros­ity and man­ners are im­por­tant – par­tic­u­larly in a three­some. It’s like talk­ing to peo­ple on ei­ther side of you at a din­ner party; you must share your at­ten­tion equally and not al­low any­one to feel left out. A suc­cess­ful three­some is where every­one has… ahem… ar­rived, at least once, al­though it doesn’t have to be to­gether.

Much de­pends on the three­some’s con­stituent parts. If you are the sole man with two women, and one of them is your girl­friend, do not spend too much time on the other woman’s breasts be­cause they’re a nov­elty. If you are the sole woman with two men, make sure you have an en­ergy drink on hand. Or you may be one of three men or three women, in which case, crack on and we ap­plaud your equal-op­por­tu­ni­ties pol­icy. The three­some is, above all, ter­rif­i­cally in­clu­sive. “I loved the fact that we were all giv­ing mu­tual hand­jobs,” says one woman who re­cently ended up in a three­some with an­other woman and a mu­tual male friend at a coun­try club din­ner party. “It was hys­ter­i­cal.”

So, too, are the names of sev­eral key three­some po­si­tions: Bob­bing for Ap­ples, Daisy Chain or Doggie Bowl. They sound like a laugh, don’t they? Be­cause that’s ul­ti­mately what the three­some should be all about.

✔ Good places

Ibiza, Spain Manda­tory School re­u­nion Every­one’s feel­ing so nos­tal­gic and care­free. Fancy dress party In­hi­bi­tions are gen­er­ally lower. Masked balls are es­pe­cially good and an­i­mal one­sies go down well. Wed­ding re­cep­tion Lo­cate the sin­gles ta­ble, en­list re­cruits and oc­cupy that mo­not­o­nous gap be­tween church and din­ner.

✘ Bad places

The car Very few cars are roomy enough for three­somes with­out risk­ing the kind of bruises that raise ques­tions. Yacht­ing hol­i­days Yes, you’re feel­ing all windswept and bouncy, but if it all goes wrong, how do you es­cape? Suther­land house par­ties Too chilly to be naked in the cold­est town in SA. And fi­nally… Any gath­er­ing at which more than two mem­bers of your fam­ily will be present. How to stop your part­ner ask­ing for one If you’re bored of them go­ing on about hav­ing a three­some with your BFF, just try this: “What a great idea! I’ve al­ways had a crush on your friend Hector. Would he be up for it?”

for a mo­ment, I felt like porn ac­tor Ron Jeremy. There I was, propped up on a sun­lounger, hands be­hind my head, while two girls grap­pled to open my shorts. Could this be hap­pen­ing? I was see­ing dou­ble, but we’d only had three aper­i­tifs each. So I did the maths: one of me, two of them, four breasts – yup, this was a re­sult. I am the em­peror!

But, in­stead of div­ing in, they started kiss­ing. Each other. Oh yes, we’re all flexi­sex­ual now. But hang on, one of them was sup­posed to be my girl­friend. We took it up­stairs and things seemed to pick up. There was un­dress­ing, grind­ing and even a toe in my eye. Af­ter a while, I felt an aching in my jaw. While I was busy down there, I had this feel­ing that the real fun was up there.

No mat­ter what I did, they only had hands for each other, and soon I was left on the side­lines. I’m not the sen­si­tive sort, but even I know when my gropes aren’t wel­come. It was like be­ing an ex­tra on a film set, all dressed up with nowhere to go. Not sexy. Quite lonely, in fact.

I no­ticed a copy of Horse & Hound and re­mem­ber think­ing that their dres­sage re­port seemed in­ter­est­ing. That was when I knew this wasn’t for me. I turned to the dres­sage and left them to it; they didn’t even no­tice. So don’t be fooled into think­ing more is al­ways bet­ter. When it comes to sex, one’s fine, two is bet­ter, but three? It’s the loneli­est num­ber.

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