because you were too drunk to go home, and then hands wandered. You might have been on a villa holiday in Capri, Italy, and found it impossible to pick between two fellow guests. You might even have kicked off proceedings as a pair, and then kindly invited the third person into the fray when they accidentally stumbled into the room looking for their coat.
In sex, as in life, generosity and manners are important – particularly in a threesome. It’s like talking to people on either side of you at a dinner party; you must share your attention equally and not allow anyone to feel left out. A successful threesome is where everyone has… ahem… arrived, at least once, although it doesn’t have to be together.
Much depends on the threesome’s constituent parts. If you are the sole man with two women, and one of them is your girlfriend, do not spend too much time on the other woman’s breasts because they’re a novelty. If you are the sole woman with two men, make sure you have an energy drink on hand. Or you may be one of three men or three women, in which case, crack on and we applaud your equal-opportunities policy. The threesome is, above all, terrifically inclusive. “I loved the fact that we were all giving mutual handjobs,” says one woman who recently ended up in a threesome with another woman and a mutual male friend at a country club dinner party. “It was hysterical.”
So, too, are the names of several key threesome positions: Bobbing for Apples, Daisy Chain or Doggie Bowl. They sound like a laugh, don’t they? Because that’s ultimately what the threesome should be all about.
✔ Good places
Ibiza, Spain Mandatory School reunion Everyone’s feeling so nostalgic and carefree. Fancy dress party Inhibitions are generally lower. Masked balls are especially good and animal onesies go down well. Wedding reception Locate the singles table, enlist recruits and occupy that monotonous gap between church and dinner.
✘ Bad places
The car Very few cars are roomy enough for threesomes without risking the kind of bruises that raise questions. Yachting holidays Yes, you’re feeling all windswept and bouncy, but if it all goes wrong, how do you escape? Sutherland house parties Too chilly to be naked in the coldest town in SA. And finally… Any gathering at which more than two members of your family will be present. How to stop your partner asking for one If you’re bored of them going on about having a threesome with your BFF, just try this: “What a great idea! I’ve always had a crush on your friend Hector. Would he be up for it?”
for a moment, I felt like porn actor Ron Jeremy. There I was, propped up on a sunlounger, hands behind my head, while two girls grappled to open my shorts. Could this be happening? I was seeing double, but we’d only had three aperitifs each. So I did the maths: one of me, two of them, four breasts – yup, this was a result. I am the emperor!
But, instead of diving in, they started kissing. Each other. Oh yes, we’re all flexisexual now. But hang on, one of them was supposed to be my girlfriend. We took it upstairs and things seemed to pick up. There was undressing, grinding and even a toe in my eye. After a while, I felt an aching in my jaw. While I was busy down there, I had this feeling that the real fun was up there.
No matter what I did, they only had hands for each other, and soon I was left on the sidelines. I’m not the sensitive sort, but even I know when my gropes aren’t welcome. It was like being an extra on a film set, all dressed up with nowhere to go. Not sexy. Quite lonely, in fact.
I noticed a copy of Horse & Hound and remember thinking that their dressage report seemed interesting. That was when I knew this wasn’t for me. I turned to the dressage and left them to it; they didn’t even notice. So don’t be fooled into thinking more is always better. When it comes to sex, one’s fine, two is better, but three? It’s the loneliest number.