“My boyfriend of four years doesn’t want to move in together. How do I get him to tell me the reason for he’s reluctance?”

… or get married yet. I’ve tried talking to him about it, but his excuses don’t add up. How do I get him to tell me the real reason he’s reluctant to take the plunge?”

“This probably has more to do with him and his issues than you as a partner. Ask if there is something else going on, and don’t take it personally. Keep the conversation short, and know it may take a few discussions because men tend to process things much more slowly when it comes to relationship stuff.

Moving in together is a big deal! Suggest trying it as an experiment for six months, to see how it goes. Or find a month-tomonth lease; if it doesn’t work, you’ll have a better idea of how you want to move forward. This isn’t something you can force; if you feel like you need to, maybe this isn’t the right time or the right relationship.” – Dr Kat Van Kirk, relationship and sex therapist

“It’s crucial to know where he stands, because you’re ready to move forward. Explain that. If he firmly refuses to offer a coherent reason, that’s how he’s expressing his doubts about the relationship.

The harsh truth is that a man can know that he doesn’t want to marry you but still want to date you indefinitely.

If you know you want to be married, stand up for that. Don’t waste years on a guy whose indecision makes you feel insecure.” – Heather Havrilesky, author of How to Be a Person in the World (Anchor Books; R239)

“After four years, what could his excuse possibly be? Not every relationship has question marks like yours. I thought I was going to marry an ex who put me in a similar situation that made me second-guess myself. My new relationship is much easier; I’m not afraid to ask tough questions, because we’re on the same team.

It sounds as though you may be on a different team. Maybe the question to ask yourself is: are you ready to move on?” – Alexandra Fiber, comedienne and cohost of a web series

“You’re entitled to push back on his excuses at this phase in the relationship. Say, ‘I need to know where your head is at. I’m being straightforward with you; all I ask is for the same in return.’ To get him more open to talking, focus on the things that are working. Have the conversation in a relaxed setting, and a sense of humour helps!

Never underestimate a guy’s capacity to be oblivious: he could think you two are in a great place, so be explicit about how important this is before resorting to a threatening breakup talk.” – Jeff Wilser, co-author of The Man Cave Book (Harpercollins; R222)