“My boyfriend of four years doesn’t want to move in to­gether. How do I get him to tell me the rea­son for he’s re­luc­tance?”

… or get mar­ried yet. I’ve tried talk­ing to him about it, but his excuses don’t add up. How do I get him to tell me the real rea­son he’s re­luc­tant to take the plunge?”

Glamour (South Africa) - - Contents -

“This prob­a­bly has more to do with him and his is­sues than you as a part­ner. Ask if there is some­thing else go­ing on, and don’t take it per­son­ally. Keep the con­ver­sa­tion short, and know it may take a few dis­cus­sions be­cause men tend to process things much more slowly when it comes to re­la­tion­ship stuff.

Mov­ing in to­gether is a big deal! Sug­gest try­ing it as an ex­per­i­ment for six months, to see how it goes. Or find a month-tomonth lease; if it doesn’t work, you’ll have a bet­ter idea of how you want to move for­ward. This isn’t some­thing you can force; if you feel like you need to, maybe this isn’t the right time or the right re­la­tion­ship.” – Dr Kat Van Kirk, re­la­tion­ship and sex ther­a­pist

“It’s cru­cial to know where he stands, be­cause you’re ready to move for­ward. Ex­plain that. If he firmly re­fuses to of­fer a co­her­ent rea­son, that’s how he’s ex­press­ing his doubts about the re­la­tion­ship.

The harsh truth is that a man can know that he doesn’t want to marry you but still want to date you in­def­i­nitely.

If you know you want to be mar­ried, stand up for that. Don’t waste years on a guy whose in­de­ci­sion makes you feel in­se­cure.” – Heather Havrilesky, au­thor of How to Be a Per­son in the World (An­chor Books; R239)

“Af­ter four years, what could his ex­cuse pos­si­bly be? Not ev­ery re­la­tion­ship has ques­tion marks like yours. I thought I was go­ing to marry an ex who put me in a sim­i­lar sit­u­a­tion that made me sec­ond-guess my­self. My new re­la­tion­ship is much eas­ier; I’m not afraid to ask tough ques­tions, be­cause we’re on the same team.

It sounds as though you may be on a dif­fer­ent team. Maybe the ques­tion to ask your­self is: are you ready to move on?” – Alexan­dra Fiber, come­di­enne and co­host of a web se­ries

“You’re en­ti­tled to push back on his excuses at this phase in the re­la­tion­ship. Say, ‘I need to know where your head is at. I’m be­ing straight­for­ward with you; all I ask is for the same in re­turn.’ To get him more open to talk­ing, fo­cus on the things that are work­ing. Have the con­ver­sa­tion in a re­laxed set­ting, and a sense of hu­mour helps!

Never un­der­es­ti­mate a guy’s ca­pac­ity to be obliv­i­ous: he could think you two are in a great place, so be ex­plicit about how im­por­tant this is be­fore re­sort­ing to a threat­en­ing breakup talk.” – Jeff Wilser, co-au­thor of The Man Cave Book (Harpercollins; R222)

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