How real is porn sex?

And six more hot queries an­swered

Glamour (South Africa) - - Contents -

We all want to have great sex. To fig­ure out what feels good. To fol­low our de­sires. To be present, con­nected, at peak fire­work emoji. But the search for all that can be com­pli­cated, and most of us have ques­tions: What on earth do I like? How do I ask for it? Why do I know more about what gets a guy off than what gets me off? Is ev­ery­one do­ing that porno thing I saw on­line?

In this spe­cial sec­tion, we’re go­ing af­ter an­swers, start­ing with seven queries on all our minds now. Read, re­spond – and shake off any shame you feel about go­ing af­ter what you want.

Why didn’t any­one teach us the good stuff ?

Writer Lind­say King-miller tells what sex ed should in­clude.

the sex ed at my artsy pri­mary school was prob­a­bly the best a kid could hope for: I ac­tu­ally heard them use the word ‘con­dom’. But a lot was left out – de­sire, con­sent, LGBTQ is­sues. As a re­sult I ended up adrift in a sea of hor­mones with no idea what to do with my­self. Here are the seven things I wish some­one had taught me. Women want sex This was never men­tioned to me by any­one, ever. I learnt about erec­tions, but noth­ing about my own body’s po­ten­tial for arousal. By age 12, I had been told that if a guy moved too fast, I should tell him to stop. At 16 I started to won­der, ‘ Where are th­ese guys who move too fast? Can I get their num­bers?’ I had never been told that I might want sex. Men can say no to sex Guess what: guys don’t al­ways want it! I was floored by my first ex­pe­ri­ences with sex­ual re­jec­tion, be­cause I thought say­ing no to sex was some­thing only girls did, like go­ing to the bath­room in groups and wish­ing their dresses had pock­ets. An un­der­stand­ing of con­sent is cru­cial to hav­ing sex with peo­ple of any gen­der. De­sire is im­por­tant, but so is com­mu­ni­ca­tion Most of my early sex­ual ex­pe­ri­ences were fum­bling and un­sat­is­fy­ing be­cause I hadn’t learnt to say what I wanted. I just tried to beam my thoughts into their brain – or what­ever movie char­ac­ters do when they have beau­ti­ful, ro­man­tic sex in si­lence. In real life, though, you have to say what you want and ex­plain your bound­aries. The first time a part­ner said, “Tell me what you want to do,” I was like, “Um... sex?” Not a sat­is­fac­tory an­swer, folks. Sex shouldn’t be painful If pen­e­tra­tion hurts, you’re not turned on, you need ad­di­tional lu­bri­ca­tion or youhave a con­di­tion you should dis­cuss with your gyno. Usu­ally the cure for un­com­fort­able sex is go slower and use more lube. Al­ways more lube. Queer and trans peo­ple ex­ist! A cou­ple of kids in ev­ery class are go­ing to grow up and, at some point, learn first­hand that there are ways to have sex that don’t in­volve one pe­nis and one vagina. I was one of them. Wouldn’t it have been great if my sex ed class had ac­tu­ally ac­knowl­edged my ex­is­tence? Vag­i­nas are acidic This seems like an in­ter­est­ing but in­con­se­quen­tial piece of trivia un­til you try to put your fin­ger in some­one while you have a hang­nail. I keep a box of la­tex gloves – your part­ner should, too. Mas­tur­ba­tion is al­ways there for you as an al­ter­na­tive to bad or un­safe sex I re­mem­ber grit­ting my teeth through one bad date be­cause there was a chance I’d have sex, when it dawned on me: I have a vi­bra­tor! If I’d been taught ear­lier that I was not only ca­pa­ble but ac­tu­ally en­ti­tled to safe, healthy and en­joy­able sex on my own, I might not have suf­fered through the bor­ing date in the first place.

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