“Stop hav­ing bad sex”

Glamour (South Africa) - - Relationships / Love advice -

I’ve an­swered hun­dreds of sex ques­tions, and most of them can be boiled down to the same un­der­ly­ing ques­tion: “Is XYZ OK?” Lis­ten­ers want to be re­as­sured that they can use a toy during sex, that it’s not weird to ex­per­i­ment with role play, that they’re giv­ing oral cor­rectly, that mas­tur­bat­ing while in a re­la­tion­ship is al­lowed, that it’s OK if they didn’t or­gasm… I could go on and on.

And I get why I re­ceive so many of th­ese ques­tions: peo­ple are look­ing for val­i­da­tion. Sex is some­thing so many of us are un­com­fort­able with, and it can make us feel re­ally vul­ner­a­ble. We’re afraid if we ad­mit what we want sex­u­ally, we’ll be seen as some kind of de­viant, or if we don’t know how to do some­thing, we’ll be a fail­ure. But here’s the thing: when it comes to sex, no one gets a road map. There is no right, wrong, should or shouldn’t. The only way we can fig­ure out how to have more sat­is­fy­ing sex is to ex­per­i­ment and learn in­stead of do­ing the same things over and over again.

When I get th­ese ques­tions, my typ­i­cal re­sponse is: “It’s to­tally nor­mal and to­tally OK.” Hav­ing a fan­tasy you want to ex­plore is OK. Need­ing more fore­play is al­lowed. Spank­ing is pretty com­mon. And it’s also to­tally nor­mal to feel self-con­scious about speak­ing up or try­ing some­thing new. But while you can have my green light to go for it, you’re the only one who can give your­self great sex – I won’t be in the room with you.

At the end of the day, you can choose to ei­ther think your part­ner is a mind reader (they’re not) and have medi­ocre sex the rest of your life, or you can ask for what you want and make your plea­sure a pri­or­ity. In my opin­ion, life’s too short for bad sex. It’s bet­ter to speak up than leave your part­ner’s house think­ing, ‘Some­day my prince will come… and so will I.’

Emily gives un­fil­tered sex ad­vice bi­weekly on Sex with Emily (sexwith­emily.com).

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