“Stop having bad sex”
I’ve answered hundreds of sex questions, and most of them can be boiled down to the same underlying question: “Is XYZ OK?” Listeners want to be reassured that they can use a toy during sex, that it’s not weird to experiment with role play, that they’re giving oral correctly, that masturbating while in a relationship is allowed, that it’s OK if they didn’t orgasm… I could go on and on.
And I get why I receive so many of these questions: people are looking for validation. Sex is something so many of us are uncomfortable with, and it can make us feel really vulnerable. We’re afraid if we admit what we want sexually, we’ll be seen as some kind of deviant, or if we don’t know how to do something, we’ll be a failure. But here’s the thing: when it comes to sex, no one gets a road map. There is no right, wrong, should or shouldn’t. The only way we can figure out how to have more satisfying sex is to experiment and learn instead of doing the same things over and over again.
When I get these questions, my typical response is: “It’s totally normal and totally OK.” Having a fantasy you want to explore is OK. Needing more foreplay is allowed. Spanking is pretty common. And it’s also totally normal to feel self-conscious about speaking up or trying something new. But while you can have my green light to go for it, you’re the only one who can give yourself great sex – I won’t be in the room with you.
At the end of the day, you can choose to either think your partner is a mind reader (they’re not) and have mediocre sex the rest of your life, or you can ask for what you want and make your pleasure a priority. In my opinion, life’s too short for bad sex. It’s better to speak up than leave your partner’s house thinking, ‘Someday my prince will come… and so will I.’
Emily gives unfiltered sex advice biweekly on Sex with Emily (sexwithemily.com).