OUR RES­I­DENT EX­PERT

Marie Claire (South Africa) - - SEX & LOVE 101 -

I OF­TEN FANTASISE ABOUT SEX WITH A STRANGER. I FEEL GUILTY AND IT FEELS WRONG. ARE THESE FAN­TASIES NOR­MAL, EVEN THOUGH I’M IN A RE­LA­TION­SHIP?

Yes, fan­ta­sis­ing is com­pletely nor­mal and healthy, and in no way in­di­cates that you want some­thing out­side of your re­la­tion­ship. Some peo­ple feel that sim­ply think­ing about some­thing sex­ual is as bad as do­ing it, and yet fan­tasy can ac­tu­ally heighten your sex­ual ex­pe­ri­ence with your part­ner.

Fan­ta­sis­ing about be­ing sex­ual with some­one else doesn’t nec­es­sar­ily mean you want to act it out. Just be­cause your part­ner may fantasise about you hav­ing sex with another woman, for ex­am­ple, doesn’t mean they’d ac­tu­ally want it to hap­pen.

Women most com­monly fantasise about be­ing forced to per­form sex­ual acts, sub­mit­ting to their part­ner, and hav­ing sex with a stranger. Men most com­monly fantasise about two women hav­ing sex, hav­ing a three­some with two women, and sex with a stranger. Other com­mon fan­tasies are sex in pub­lic, get­ting phys­i­cal with an au­thor­i­tive gure, or be­ing watched while you and your part­ner have sex.

There is, of course, a ne line be­tween fan­tasy and re­al­ity. It’s healthy to share your fan­tasies and to ex­plore them with your part­ner. For ex­am­ple, if you fantasise about sub­mis­sion, then us­ing a silk scarf or his tie to re­strain you dur­ing sex could be fun for both of you. It can be a big turn-on to share what ex­cites you, but take it slow if you’re anx­ious that your part­ner might be taken aback by your fan­tasies.

Sex­ol­o­gist Ca­tri­ona Bof­fard an­swers your most press­ing sex ques­tions

@catri­on­abof­fard

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