Your sexual fantasies aren’t governed by the same rational part of your brain that decides who you want to date
I’ve always hated the phrase ‘guilty pleasure’. A penchant for ABBA, a love of French cheese or skipping a night out to sit anyone, you shouldn’t feel guilty about something that makes you feel good, right? Only, here’s the thing. Women are encouraged to feel guilty about everything. Whether it’s eating cake or going back to work after having a baby, we’re bombarded with the message that we’re screwing up – according to a study by Psychology Today, 25% of us feel ashamed about what turns us on. That’s in comparison with 8% of men.
– that means your best friend, your colleague, your mother and your have fantasised about other women. According to research by UK lingerie brand Ann Summers, women are more likely to have graphic, hardcore fantasies than men. In fact, while men often replay previous imagination – often creating something more risqué in the process.
The divide has been attributed to the fact that men are (generally) But while we all have fantasies, we never seem to discuss them. One-night stands, STDs, penises – with girl talk, it’s all on the table. However, when it comes to what turns you on, I’m willing to bet you’ve kept your innermost full-time, but I’ve never revealed what turns me on (a threesome with two men, by the way). And maybe that’s the real reason we feel so bad about the good stuff. After all of their negativity.
started out as playful, but it really turned us on. I reckon my friends cause for concern. ‘This sort of fantasy can often be misinterpreted, but it’s just two consenting adults enjoying a role play.’ In short, using the word ‘Daddy’ with your boyfriend doesn’t mean you actually want to sleep with your dad.
‘grey’) proves many of us like a bit of kink. But as it turns out, even if the fantasy is famous, doesn’t mean it’s guilt-free.
a kid I was asking to be tied up with skipping ropes in the playground. And I’ve always felt bad about it. I’m a feminist, so why do I want to make me feel like a bad feminist, it makes me feel like a bad person.’
The combination of craving control and being independent can be confusing, but what you think about when you’re touching yourself has no bearing on who you are as a person, Sarah says. ‘I’ve worked with people who are dominant in their life and submissive at play, and also those who are introverted but enjoy a more domineering role. It
Another guilt-inducing fantasy is thinking about someone who is very common. In fact, recent research claims 45% of us fantasise which makes me feel terrible, as I love my boyfriend.’
Reassuringly, thinking of someone else doesn’t mean that you fantasies aren’t governed by the same rational part of your brain that decides who you want to date. ‘Fantasising provides an escape route imagination is there to distract you from rent payments and household chores, letting you enjoy the moment. ‘It’s completely normal to incredibly creative.’
But is there a limit to what we should be imagining in pursuit of orgasm? Recent research claims about being raped. ‘Rape fantasies are often about being ravished by someone who is overcome with desire for you,’ Sarah says. ‘They may seem violent, but you’re consenting to the fantasy or the role they’re not the same thing, and shouldn’t be confused.’
are keen to iterate that what turns you on shouldn’t be a worry, unless something that could be dangerous or illegal, then of course I would taking over your life – and doesn’t involve another, non-consensual person – then there’s nothing to feel bad about.’
That’s not to say that you’re stuck with them for good. If you want to wean yourself off what’s turning you on, reading erotica the root of your preferences, and talking to your partner about your
seriously. ‘Your fantasies have little bearing on your personality,’ Sarah