YOUR RE­LA­TION­SHIP When his ex warns you

Do you con­tinue with life as is or heed her ad­vice?

Move! - - CONTENTS - By Mo and Phindi Groot­boom

IAM in love with a 35-year-old man and we’ve been dat­ing for the past cou­ple of months. He doesn’t work and has promised to look for a job. Since we live to­gether, I am pay­ing for every­thing. I got a call from a wo­man claim­ing to be his ex and she was warn­ing me that my man op­er­ates in this man­ner. He moves in with a wo­man and claims he is go­ing to marry her as soon as he gets a job. But he is al­ways look­ing for a job, but never finds one and even when he finds a job, he sponges off his wo­man. I don’t know whether to be­lieve this wo­man. They say love is blind, but I don’t want to be blinded by a man claim­ing to love me while he’s us­ing me. I don’t know whether to be­lieve his ex. How do I han­dle this?

FEEL­ING USED

WHAT a predica­ment! It must be hard to be dat­ing a fi­nan­cially de­pen­dent boyfriend. To fur­ther com­pli­cate mat­ters is the tip-off from some­one claim­ing to be his ex-girl­friend to in­form you that you’re ac­tu­ally deal­ing with a crook. You must be caught between a rock and a hard place.

EMO­TIONAL HOLE

Financial abuse isn’t al­ways some­thing we talk about, but it’s fairly com­mon. Not only will this ex­pe­ri­ence cre­ate a last­ing ef­fect on your emo­tional well-be­ing, but it will have a neg­a­tive ef­fect on your fi­nances, de­pend­ing on how heavy his de­pen­dency is on you.

Even if you are able to eas­ily af­ford the financial bur­den, the emo­tional hole this is dig­ging in you will be dif­fi­cult to re­fill. You’ll think of all the costs you had to bear, the ma­nip­u­la­tions and feel­ings of be­ing robbed both of the re­la­tion­ship as well as hard-earned cash that could have been used for other financial needs. The tra­di­tional ex­pec­ta­tion of a man be­ing a provider in an ex­clu­sive het­ero­sex­ual re­la­tion­ship will also haunt you. All of th­ese are be­sides the tip-off from his ex-girl­friend.

DEADBEAT SYN­DROME

When a man to­tally re­lies on a wo­man to pro­vide for his financial needs and wants, he tends to have what we call, a deadbeat syn­drome. This is where the man makes the wo­man work be­cause he is un­will­ing to work and be a con­tribut­ing financial part­ner in the house­hold.

She es­sen­tially gets to be his ATM. In this case, with the in­for­ma­tion we have at our dis­posal, we can’t di­ag­nose the

YOU CAN’T BUILD A LAST­ING RE­LA­TION­SHIP WITH A DEADBEAT

mat­ter any dif­fer­ently. You, as a hard-work­ing wo­man who just wants some­one to love her, seem to be com­pletely out of con­trol of your cir­cum­stances, seem­ingly be­cause of your boyfriend’s con­trol of your spend­ing abil­i­ties.

FI­NAN­CIALLY DE­PEN­DENT

You seem to be more af­fected by the ex-girl­friend’s tip-off than the fact that your boyfriend is fi­nan­cially de­pen­dent on you. And so, be­fore we get to the tipoff, think about how his un­em­ploy­ment is af­fect­ing you and the re­la­tion­ship. How long are you go­ing to give him be­fore he can ac­tu­ally get an in­come or at least show pos­i­tive signs?

How are both of you cop­ing with the fact that your man is fi­nan­cially de­pen­dent on you?

What is he cur­rently do­ing that you can sat­isfy your­self with that he is do­ing his best to get a le­git­i­mate in­come? Are you will­ing to com­mit the rest of your life to some­one who seems to show no sign of seek­ing a le­git­i­mate in­come?

How is the tip-off ac­cu­rate in com­par­i­son to the re­al­ity of his be­hav­iour in your re­la­tion­ship? Do you have rea­sons why you should doubt some­one you’ve never met when she warns you about him? What does she have to gain from you stay­ing to­gether or break­ing up? We ask th­ese ques­tions be­cause we be­lieve in your re­sponse to them lies the an­swer to your ques­tion about what your next step should be.

POWER AND ABUSE

We rec­om­mend that you ask to meet with the ex-girl­friend in or­der to seek more in­for­ma­tion about her ex­pe­ri­ence. For safety rea­sons, take a friend with you. In meet­ing her, at least you will be able to de­ter­mine com­mon be­hav­iour and un­der­stand his way of do­ing things in your re­la­tion­ship against what the ex says. How­ever, you need to ver­ify if she is in­deed an ex-girl­friend by ask­ing prob­ing ques­tions.

Try to per­suade the ex-girl­friend to ac­com­pany you to meet with him. Be­fore you con­front him, try not to warn him be­fore­hand about it. Also try not to con­front him be­fore you have all the in­for­ma­tion from the ex-girl­friend. Re­mem­ber, you are do­ing this in or­der to pro­tect your­self from pos­si­ble loot­ing and hope­fully help stop his be­hav­iour for the next wo­man he pur­sues. How­ever, no mat­ter what the out­come, we rec­om­mend that you leave. Plan your exit. Re­la­tion­ships like this can never be trusted to be­come eq­ui­table since so much of it is about power and abuse.

Un­less you don’t plan on set­tling down in mar­riage, you can’t pos­si­bly build a last­ing re­la­tion­ship with a deadbeat. In fact, you may find your­self pay­ing for your own lobola and wed­ding.

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