YOUR RELATIONSHIP When his ex warns you
Do you continue with life as is or heed her advice?
IAM in love with a 35-year-old man and we’ve been dating for the past couple of months. He doesn’t work and has promised to look for a job. Since we live together, I am paying for everything. I got a call from a woman claiming to be his ex and she was warning me that my man operates in this manner. He moves in with a woman and claims he is going to marry her as soon as he gets a job. But he is always looking for a job, but never finds one and even when he finds a job, he sponges off his woman. I don’t know whether to believe this woman. They say love is blind, but I don’t want to be blinded by a man claiming to love me while he’s using me. I don’t know whether to believe his ex. How do I handle this?
WHAT a predicament! It must be hard to be dating a financially dependent boyfriend. To further complicate matters is the tip-off from someone claiming to be his ex-girlfriend to inform you that you’re actually dealing with a crook. You must be caught between a rock and a hard place.
Financial abuse isn’t always something we talk about, but it’s fairly common. Not only will this experience create a lasting effect on your emotional well-being, but it will have a negative effect on your finances, depending on how heavy his dependency is on you.
Even if you are able to easily afford the financial burden, the emotional hole this is digging in you will be difficult to refill. You’ll think of all the costs you had to bear, the manipulations and feelings of being robbed both of the relationship as well as hard-earned cash that could have been used for other financial needs. The traditional expectation of a man being a provider in an exclusive heterosexual relationship will also haunt you. All of these are besides the tip-off from his ex-girlfriend.
When a man totally relies on a woman to provide for his financial needs and wants, he tends to have what we call, a deadbeat syndrome. This is where the man makes the woman work because he is unwilling to work and be a contributing financial partner in the household.
She essentially gets to be his ATM. In this case, with the information we have at our disposal, we can’t diagnose the
YOU CAN’T BUILD A LASTING RELATIONSHIP WITH A DEADBEAT
matter any differently. You, as a hard-working woman who just wants someone to love her, seem to be completely out of control of your circumstances, seemingly because of your boyfriend’s control of your spending abilities.
You seem to be more affected by the ex-girlfriend’s tip-off than the fact that your boyfriend is financially dependent on you. And so, before we get to the tipoff, think about how his unemployment is affecting you and the relationship. How long are you going to give him before he can actually get an income or at least show positive signs?
How are both of you coping with the fact that your man is financially dependent on you?
What is he currently doing that you can satisfy yourself with that he is doing his best to get a legitimate income? Are you willing to commit the rest of your life to someone who seems to show no sign of seeking a legitimate income?
How is the tip-off accurate in comparison to the reality of his behaviour in your relationship? Do you have reasons why you should doubt someone you’ve never met when she warns you about him? What does she have to gain from you staying together or breaking up? We ask these questions because we believe in your response to them lies the answer to your question about what your next step should be.
POWER AND ABUSE
We recommend that you ask to meet with the ex-girlfriend in order to seek more information about her experience. For safety reasons, take a friend with you. In meeting her, at least you will be able to determine common behaviour and understand his way of doing things in your relationship against what the ex says. However, you need to verify if she is indeed an ex-girlfriend by asking probing questions.
Try to persuade the ex-girlfriend to accompany you to meet with him. Before you confront him, try not to warn him beforehand about it. Also try not to confront him before you have all the information from the ex-girlfriend. Remember, you are doing this in order to protect yourself from possible looting and hopefully help stop his behaviour for the next woman he pursues. However, no matter what the outcome, we recommend that you leave. Plan your exit. Relationships like this can never be trusted to become equitable since so much of it is about power and abuse.
Unless you don’t plan on settling down in marriage, you can’t possibly build a lasting relationship with a deadbeat. In fact, you may find yourself paying for your own lobola and wedding.