Naledi Mqhayi is a clinical psychologist specialising in relationships and family therapy. She holds a masters degree in clinical psychology from the Medical University of Southern Africa.
Q HE DOESN’T LOVE ME
I’m a 23-year-old woman who has been in a relationship for over a year with a man aged 34.
Everything was perfect in the beginning until he started cheating on me. When I confronted him, he started beating me up.
I left him for two months, but we later got back together. I’m pregnant with his child now and things have become worse.
When I visit him, he only talks to me when he wants something. We don’t kiss or cuddle like we used to. The only time he shows affection is when he wants sex. Should I leave him or stay?
AThe relationship you are describing is very toxic and loveless. Often, the treatment you get from a partner is allowed by you to continue.
You should have realised that with the repeated cheating he is not serious and cannot commit to fathering a child. Save yourself and count your losses. Get support from your family and look at taking care of your baby.
Q I’M STAYING WITH A MARRIED MAN
I’m 36-year-old woman and I’m in love with a 41-year-old man. When I met him in 2012, he was separated from his wife.
I fell pregnant the same year, so we have a child together. We’ve been dating for five years now and we love each other. When I asked him about our future, he said he can’t divorce his wife because he doesn’t want to lose his pension fund and assets. He says he wants to wait until he’s 55 and able to withdraw his pension fund. This frustrates me because I can’t wait for that long. What must I do? ANONYMOUS, BLOEMFONTEIN
AIt took you too long to realise that you are staying with a married man and planning a future with him alone while he has other plans with his life.
That’s the danger of dating a married person who promises to leave the spouse. Eventually, they never do and you end up being the other woman. The ball is in your court as to what you want to do as he has told you of his decision. You know what matters in your life and what you can live with or without.
Q HE WAS SECRETIVE
I’m a 39-year-old woman. My husband divorced me because I couldn’t give him kids.
Seven years after the divorce, I met a handsome man at work. After some time, I moved in with the guy.
One day when I was cleaning the house, I came across his son’s clinic card which said that his mother was HIV positive.
When I confronted the father about this, he confessed that the mother was HIV positive and that she passed away after giving birth. I was forced to go to the doctor after having terrible headaches.
After some tests, the doctor told me that I’m HIV positive.
The loving man that I knew changed overnight. He abandoned me after infecting me with HIV. ANONYMOUS, DURBAN
ASome people are very cruel but you need to be strong and positive. Anger and negativity will only make your condition worse. Seek support from the people who care for you.
Do not waste your life on getting angry at such a person.