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Move! - - SIS NALEDI -

Naledi Mqhayi is a clin­i­cal psy­chol­o­gist spe­cial­is­ing in re­la­tion­ships and fam­ily ther­apy. She holds a mas­ters de­gree in clin­i­cal psy­chol­ogy from the Med­i­cal Univer­sity of South­ern Africa.

QAHUBBY NEGLECTS US

I’m a 26-year-old woman and my hus­band and I have been to­gether for six years. My prob­lem is that he does not sup­port us. Is it be­cause I also have a job?

ANONY­MOUS, TEMBISA

You need to dis­cuss things that in­volve your fam­ily. Let money not be the first thing you bring up but rather plans about chil­dren, the house, work, trans­port and sav­ings.

Then you can sug­gest how much you can af­ford to con­trib­ute and he must say how much he can man­age. You must also dis­cuss how this is go­ing to be done and when.

MOVE!

QAQMove!’s SHE HASN’T FOR­GIVEN ME

Two years ago, I hurt my fi­ancée very badly and I feel that she still hasn’t for­given me.

We are plan­ning a wed­ding now, but I feel like she is just play­ing along with ev­ery­thing and her heart is not in it.

How do I get her to for­give me and get things back to nor­mal?

ANONY­MOUS, POLOK­WANE

Talking about prob­lems in your re­la­tion­ship helps. Pre­mar­i­tal coun­selling with a psy­chol­o­gist will ben­e­fit you so that you can both talk about your feel­ings in a safe and ther­a­peu­tic en­vi­ron­ment. Get­ting into a life-time com­mit­ment when you still have un­re­solved is­sues is dan­ger­ous be­cause these things might end up caus­ing ma­jor prob­lems in your mar­riage.

HE’S AL­WAYS ASK­ING FOR FAVOURS

I have a boyfriend and I love him very much. The prob­lem is that he al­ways bor­rows money from me and asks me to buy him air­time. When he first started ask­ing me to buy him air­time, I did it out of love. But now he doesn’t even bother to buy air­time any­more. He al­ways sends me a “please call me”.

This is a turn-off be­cause he earns more than I do. I don’t even ask him to buy me any­thing.

ANONY­MOUS, BRITS

AIf you feel un­com­fort­able about what he is do­ing, let him know. Don’t be angry about it or be de­fen­sive. He may not be aware that it of­fends you. You have a big­ger re­spon­si­bil­ity to ad­dress how people treat you if you don’t like it, do it with con­vic­tion but not in an ag­gres­sive man­ner.

QAI FOUND PILLS IN HER BAG

I re­cently found cig­a­rettes and birth con­trol pills in my spouse’s hand­bag. When I con­fronted her, she said the cig­a­rettes be­longed to a col­league.

She how­ever ad­mit­ted that the pills be­longed to her. I feel betrayed be­cause she didn’t dis­cuss it with me first when she started tak­ing birth con­trol pills.

ANONY­MOUS, EMALAHLENI

Go­ing through your spouse’s hand­bag is a sign of a re­la­tion­ship that has no trust, bound­aries and re­spect.

You have started a process with­out in­volv­ing her and at the end you want her to be an ac­com­plice into val­i­dat­ing your find­ings? When you do such, you need to have the end point in mind. Ask your­self, if I go through some­body’s stuff and make a dis­cov­ery, what will I do about it? Then act as you planned.

Be­sides that, your re­la­tion­ship seems to be marked by se­crets, mis­trust, poor com­mu­ni­ca­tion and prob­a­bly dis­hon­esty.

EN­COUR­AGES THE USE OF CON­DOMS DUR­ING SEX.

Is there some­thing that’s both­er­ing you? Let Sis Naledi help you. Write a let­ter to PO Box 784072, Sand­ton 2146. Send your ques­tions to move@me­dia24.com, or SMS your ques­tion to Naledi on 34687*. *Each SMS costs R1.50. You do not have to use your real name.

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