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Naledi Mqhayi is a clinical psychologist specialising in relationships and family therapy. She holds a masters degree in clinical psychology from the Medical University of Southern Africa.
QAHUBBY NEGLECTS US
I’m a 26-year-old woman and my husband and I have been together for six years. My problem is that he does not support us. Is it because I also have a job?
You need to discuss things that involve your family. Let money not be the first thing you bring up but rather plans about children, the house, work, transport and savings.
Then you can suggest how much you can afford to contribute and he must say how much he can manage. You must also discuss how this is going to be done and when.
QAQMove!’s SHE HASN’T FORGIVEN ME
Two years ago, I hurt my fiancée very badly and I feel that she still hasn’t forgiven me.
We are planning a wedding now, but I feel like she is just playing along with everything and her heart is not in it.
How do I get her to forgive me and get things back to normal?
Talking about problems in your relationship helps. Premarital counselling with a psychologist will benefit you so that you can both talk about your feelings in a safe and therapeutic environment. Getting into a life-time commitment when you still have unresolved issues is dangerous because these things might end up causing major problems in your marriage.
HE’S ALWAYS ASKING FOR FAVOURS
I have a boyfriend and I love him very much. The problem is that he always borrows money from me and asks me to buy him airtime. When he first started asking me to buy him airtime, I did it out of love. But now he doesn’t even bother to buy airtime anymore. He always sends me a “please call me”.
This is a turn-off because he earns more than I do. I don’t even ask him to buy me anything.
AIf you feel uncomfortable about what he is doing, let him know. Don’t be angry about it or be defensive. He may not be aware that it offends you. You have a bigger responsibility to address how people treat you if you don’t like it, do it with conviction but not in an aggressive manner.
QAI FOUND PILLS IN HER BAG
I recently found cigarettes and birth control pills in my spouse’s handbag. When I confronted her, she said the cigarettes belonged to a colleague.
She however admitted that the pills belonged to her. I feel betrayed because she didn’t discuss it with me first when she started taking birth control pills.
Going through your spouse’s handbag is a sign of a relationship that has no trust, boundaries and respect.
You have started a process without involving her and at the end you want her to be an accomplice into validating your findings? When you do such, you need to have the end point in mind. Ask yourself, if I go through somebody’s stuff and make a discovery, what will I do about it? Then act as you planned.
Besides that, your relationship seems to be marked by secrets, mistrust, poor communication and probably dishonesty.
ENCOURAGES THE USE OF CONDOMS DURING SEX.
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