your man When your friend steals
What to do if your bestie akushaya ngestina and your partner wants to dump you
THERE is no big humiliation like the one I am going through at the moment. I dated my man for two years before falling pregnant and he was excited that he was going to be a father, even though he is five years younger than me. He showed maturity when we first started dating and that is why I was willing to give him a child. He is a great father. But that is not the point. Recently I discovered that he is seeing my friend behind my back and my friend likes him. He has kind of confessed that he is leaving me for her. I don’t understand how my friend can also agree to this. I am hurt and don’t know how to cope with ukushayiwa ngestina (being dumped and my man taken by another woman). What must I do? FRUSTRATED LOVER
CHEATING is a very horrible experience, even more so when it’s with someone you consider to be your friend. Falling in love is a choice, the same way falling out of love is a choice. It is never an accident, or something we have no control over. For this reason, we hope you know you don’t have a friend in this person you call friend because friends don’t betray one another. They protect what’s dear in each other’s lives. FRIENDSHIP RESPONSIBILITY However, while your friend has a friendship responsibility to protect you, your man is the one who made a solemn commitment to you. It’s his responsibility to live up to that commitment and to honour you by not betraying your love. The number one goal in a circumstance like this should be that you have ultimately handled yourself in a self-respecting manner. Even if you sense that the relationship is going to end because of his cheating, don’t let your emotions get the best of you. INTENSE FEELINGS Say to yourself that your goal is to be proud of the way you end the relationship, if that’s the direction the relationship is taking, because that’s a reflection on you, not your partner. So many of the intense feelings end up causing us harm because we give in to them, letting them control our behaviour.
You should never put yourself in a situation with your boyfriend where you look like the crazy one, because you’d be throwing yourself under the bus
and distracting everyone from the fact that what he did was wrong. Though it’s never easy to walk away should you decide to do so, it’s better to leave with your integrity intact than to end a relationship in a sea of self-doubt and paranoia.
It seems you have all the information you need. After confronting your man, you now know that they are indeed seeing each other. You also seem to know for a fact that your friend likes him. This puts the ball completely in your court.
Be honest about what it really is that you want, now that you have all the information you need. What you don’t want is to unnecessarily drag the issue without dealing with it.
Our suggestion is that you take your time healing first, before you make your decision. Being on an emotional high is not being in a good position to make life decisions.
After you’ve gotten yourself in a position for a sober engagement with your boyfriend, you need to consider what it will take for you to forgive and be reconcile? Or is this a deal-breaker for you? Then communicate this to him. This, of course, also depends on whether or not he still wants to be with you, or was cheating with your friend a message that he doesn’t want to be with you anymore.
Whatever the matter, it’s important for you to make the choice to forgive him for your sake, especially your emotional healing. It doesn’t mean you are fine with his cheating ways, and it doesn’t mean you approve of it either.
The primary purpose of forgiveness isn’t necessarily to let him off the hook, even though he may eventually be off the hook. But the purpose of forgiveness is about freeing yourself from the hurt so you can live more freely going forward. Forgiveness is a process that opens your heart and gives you peace of mind. If you are stuck in hate and bitterness, you are the one suffering. The letting go that constitutes forgiveness untangles the knot in you so you feel happier, lighter, and more present.
The sobering reality of forgiveness is realising that you’re actually forgiving an imperfect person. There are no guarantees that he won’t do it again. There are no guarantees that he won’t find more cunning and deceiving ways of cheating so that you won’t ever find out. Even if you were to leave him, there’s still no guarantee that you’ll meet one that won’t cheat on you. Fact is, our imperfect nature makes all of us susceptible to cheating.
The only way to determine if you’re ready to trust again is to honestly assess if you will be able to handle it, if you were to find out that your partner is cheating on you again. And if he wants to go, never beg him to stay. His relationship with your friend will fall on the same sword anyway.