When he doesn't find you sexy anymore
How to regain your confidence when your partner always criticises the way you look
IDON’T think my husband of five years finds me attractive anymore. I try by all means to look my best, but he doesn’t compliment me. Instead, he always says how much weight I need to lose and, mind you, I go to the gym and have started changing my diet. When he sees pretty women on television, he emphasises how he wished I looked like them. This is slowly eating into my confidence and I don’t know whether his concern is valid or he doesn’t find me attractive or he is plain abusive. I have two children with this man and he can’t seriously expect me to look beautiful all the time. Priorities have changed – the kids, household, taking care of his needs and work demands. I have stopped going to bed with tights and a pantyhose on my head and have opted for sexy night wear but still he says I am ugly. Things have changed between us and I don’t get it. How do I deal with this situation?
HERE is a difference between being bold, and being nasty. It certainly takes a fair amount of boldness for a man to bring up the weight subject with his woman. But that’s for a sensitive and caring man. Your husband sounds downright nasty, and is displaying signs of someone that doesn’t really care about your feelings.
This is especially worse, after your body has borne two children because of him. Perhaps a good lesson on the development of a woman’s body after childbirth may help. But we don’t think he’s at that level. And that’s not your problem. It’s all his.
Criticism is always hard to swallow, but when it comes from your significant other, it’s even worse.
To give you a picture, let’s bring to your attention a similar recent encounter with another couple we were counselling.
She has been unhappy with her body recently. She’s not a constant “oh, I’m so fat” complainer, but like most women, she has moments of selfdoubt. She feels like she’s gained weight since her clothes don’t fit her anymore. Her sin was to say so in front of her boyfriend. In reality, any weight she might have gained isn’t visible to us.
And if she has gained weight, it’s probably more symptomatic of that whole late 20s phase of “OMG what happened to my youthful metabolism?” It’s not because of any lifestyle changes. She has no health issues, and she is an average size lady.
But her boyfriend couldn’t stop bringing her weight to her attention. The point is not that she needed to lose weight.
In our opinion, she’s perfect as is, only that she has expressed her own discomfort, often in front of, and to, her boyfriend. Instead of being a source of comfort and encouragement, her boyfriend used it against her.
OPEN AND HONEST
Does the fact that she brought the weight issue to his attention make it okay for him to further make her uncomfortable?
Certainly not. For starters, she feels like she is being negatively criticised rather than having a real conversation. He never suggested that they cook a healthy meal or hit the gym together so that it can look like he’s working on being healthy as a team – something a reasonable, sensitive and caring man would do.
Her boyfriend initially thought he’s just being open and honest with her. And we’re all for openness and honesty in a relationship, but not if it’s meant to put the other partner down and is downright hurtful.
As a lady, we think that you do need to take good care of yourself physically. This, we believe you should do, not because he constantly criticises you about your weight. But you should do it for your own happiness.
You will never be able to satisfy your man based on how you look. There will always be a slimmer woman than you. The people on TV, went to gym specifically for the roles they play on that platform.
We believe it’s your husband’s official duty is to make you feel sexy even when you’re gaining weight, not bring you down further. It’s his job to love you as you are – stretch marks, saggy tummy and all.
And sometimes having a Dr Phil-like discussion only works if the person is open to it. Your man sounds too immature to care. Not every relationship drama needs to be “talked out”.
If your husband is incapable of a mature conversation, lacks the respect to acknowledge your feelings, and the only thing that corrects their behaviour is debasing yourself to their level, then why be in that relationship?
The same could be said of him, why is he married to someone he is capable of ridiculing and pointing out her flaws?
People are way too willing to marry people who are not worth their time.