When he lied about being employed
IAM a single mother of one and the sole breadwinner at home. When I met my man he said that he was employed. Although I had never been to his place, I was happy when he insisted that we move in together. I agreed that instead of looking for a new place, he moves into my place for the sake of my child.
Moving to another area didn’t make sense because it would inconvenience my daughter because she attends school in my area.
A month into our relationship when it was time to pay the bills, this man kept quiet and instead asked me for a loan. It’s been three months and the situation is not getting any better. How do I get rid of this unemployed and homeless man. He is wonderful with my child but I cannot have two children, including him. How do I cope with such?
AT almost 28 percent, our national unemployment rate is at its highest since 2003. Mzansi’s unemployment rate has been rising steadily for the past nine years while the cost of living has gradually been climbing at almost twice as much. To be living with someone within that statistic can have a devastating effect in the relationship.
LACK OF OPENNESS
The matter is worsened when there has been a level of dishonesty or lack of openness in the first place, as it seems to be the case in this situation. But perhaps, before we jump to conclusions, you may need to have an uncomfortable conversation with him around what happened to the job he initially claimed to be having. If he lost it, you’d need to satisfy yourself that’s indeed the case for you to have proper closure.
Furthermore, that conversation will have to end with a plan of action around what his next step will be. Despite the depressingly low employment rate in our country, there are initiatives he can take within legal means towards creating some sort of income.
You may need to engage in a brainstorming session as a couple in this regard, taking into consideration his skills, network base, education and experience.
What we wouldn’t encourage however, is you continuously giving him money especially when you don’t know what’s it for. All cards have to be on the table. He has no choice on the matter.
You also have a choice about whether or not you want to stick around in this relationship, especially since he withheld critical information from you about his work situation. That he is willing to still move in with you, with no shame that he has no income, and continue to ask you for money does indeed tell a story about him as a man.
The two of you are not married. In fact, it appears you’ve only just met. Also consider what you think
he would do if tables were turned under similar circumstances? Furthermore, do you love each other in spite of it all? If all that’s short in your relationship is an income, then he may be a keeper. His capacity to earn income can change any day, if he puts his heart and mind to it. Pondering on these may very well give you a clearer direction.
Having said that, and given the stress you seem to be under, we believe you need to take care of yourself.
You deserve it. You are doing an amazing job of solely carrying the household responsibilities and standing by your unemployed man’s side despite the mental, physical, and spiritual turmoil that unemployment puts everyone through.
How can you possibly give yourself a break at a time like this? Well, if you don’t, you’re going to capsize. Unemployment is not what completely defines you or your partner. In other words, each of you is a complex, multifaceted human being who remains healthy as long as your mental, physical and spiritual states are receiving attention.
At this moment, unemployment is taking a toll on these aspects of your life. However, we believe the trick to lessening the effect of unemployment’s severe control is self-care.
Self-care means honouring all facets of your life, thereby diminishing the attention given to the unemployment monster. This you do by attending individual or couples therapy; and in your monthly budget, be deliberate in setting-aside some money for recreational purposes.
You may also consider going to church or establishing some spiritual activity, coupled with regular meditations. Keeping a journal of your life also keeps you in touch with yourself. Also consider joining a gym or go on regular exercises as a couple. Take care of your physical body, it refreshes the mind. Find what works for you and keep doing it.
If in your books, your boyfriend passed the uncomfortable conversation test about his job situation, then he may well be worth fighting for. Otherwise, if he’s a lazy couch potato that enjoys his parasitic behaviour, then he has to go.
WHEN IT WAS TIME TO PAY THE BILLS, THIS MAN KEPT QUIET
A COUPLE’S VIEW Power couple and co-authors, Mo and Phindi, advise a woman who has a man who is unemployed and homeless