When you don’t trust your man
How to move on in your relationship after your partner has broken your trust
IHAVE been with my man and father of my two children for almost five years, but I don’t trust him. He has cheated on me so many times and I keep forgiving him, but without actually trusting him again. As a result of this, I am insecure in the relationship. When he goes out with his friends, I genuinely worry that he might be lying and actually going to his nyatsis. How do I overcome my trust issues? He earned my trust when we started dating, but the trust is gone and this cannot be healthy for our relationship. Why is trust so important in a relationship and how can we work around the issue as a couple so that I don’t ever feel insecure?
THE question of what to do when your partner has been unfaithful is a tough one. It’s very easy to decide what to do in the abstract, like many people who advise that you drop him like a bad habit or that you forgive and forget. It’s quite easy to armchair coach other people’s relationships on something you may not have experienced. When it’s your relationship, what seems simple is complicated. But if you both decide to give the relationship another chance, it’s important to be all in.
TRUST AND HONESTY
If your man truly wants to save your relationship, he will have to opt for rigorous honesty and commit to a path of trust and restoration.
Trust is not automatically restored simply because he says the infidelity has stopped. Trust is regained through consistent and sometimes emotionally painful truth-telling and accountability. He must make a commitment to live differently and abide by certain boundaries, the most important of which is ongoing honesty about absolutely everything. He
needs to start to fearlessly tell the truth no matter what, even when he KNOWS IT MIGHT BE UPSETTING.
DECIDE IF YOU WANT TO RECONCILE
Forgiveness is a choice. It doesn’t MEAN WHAT HE DID IS FINE, NOR DOES IT MEAN YOU ARE FINE WITH IT.
How much you trust your partner is partly about what your partner does and a function of whether you have THE CONFIDENCE TO HANDLE IT IF THEY disappoint you again. Ultimately it’s about how much you trust yourself.
The sobering reality of forgiveness is realising that you’re actually forgiving an imperfect person. There are no guarantees that they won’t do it again. There are no guarantees that THEY WON’T FIND MORE CUNNING AND deceiving ways of cheating.
Even if you were to leave your partner, there’s still no guarantee that you’ll meet someone who won’t cheat on you.
The fact is, our imperfect nature makes all of us susceptible to cheating. The only way to determine if you’re ready to trust again is to honestly assess if YOU WILL BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT IF YOU FIND OUT THAT YOUR partner is cheating on you again.
If you both decide to reconcile, the process will demand that he cooperates with whatever measures YOU AGREE TO PUT IN PLACE TO MAKE IT DIFFICULT FOR HIM to cheat on you again. If there’s a disagreement IN THIS REGARD, NOT ONLY WILL IT BE DIFFICULT OR NEAR impossible to risk your vulnerability and trust again, but a reconciliation will not take place.
And if this is the case, there comes a point where you may have to draw a line and say, “This is it, I’m done. I’m not mad at you. I just withdraw my feelings and emotions. You can do whatever you want to do with your life. But I won’t be part of it. I’m not going to live like this anymore.”
MAKE YOUR MOVE
Be honest about whether you really want to put this BEHIND YOU OR IF THERE IS A PAY-Off YOU ARE RECEIVING from the situation by letting it drag on with indecision.
Do you enjoy playing the victim or subjecting your partner to a life sentence of guilt even if he sincerely came out, is genuinely apologetic and has made positive and realistic suggestions to reconcile and rebuild trust?
It’s unfair to claim to have forgiven your man and have therefore opted to continue with the relationship, but continuously throw the cheating in his face. You have no right to do so, after you claim to have forgiven him and decided to continue with the relationship.
You need to take your time to heal before you embark on the process of reconciliation, otherwise you will eventually run your partner away and would interpret that as unfair.
Ask yourself if this is going to be a life sentence for your partner. What will it take for you to forgive this and heal? Have you communicated it to him and does he oblige? It’s not fair on both of you to continue to live under circumstances where your genuinely repentant partner is reminded of their mistake all the time, but you also continue to hold on to something that you should do everything to get rid of.