SIS NALEDI

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Naledi Mqhayi is a clin­i­cal psy­chol­o­gist spe­cial­is­ing in re­la­tion­ships and fam­ily ther­apy. She holds a mas­ters de­gree in clin­i­cal psy­chol­ogy from the Med­i­cal Uni­ver­sity of South­ern Africa.

HE NOW WANTS ME TO WORK

QI’m un­em­ployed and my hus­band likes to com­pare me with his fe­male col­leagues. He has even hinted that I should start look­ing for a job, but our ini­tial agree­ment was that I will stay at home and raise our chil­dren.

How do I re­mind him of our agree­ment with­out caus­ing a fight? ANONY­MOUS, WITBANK

AIf the agree­ment was that you stay at home, then you have to re­mind him of that. How­ever, with time, cir­cum­stances do change and, there­fore, you may need to re­visit your ini­tial de­ci­sion. You can­not make your fam­ily de­ci­sions based on so­cial pres­sures. Re­visit the dis­cus­sion you had when you de­cided to stay at home. See its rel­e­vance to­day and then see if there are changes to be made. How­ever, that should not hap­pen be­cause you are com­pared to other women.

SHOULD I LEAVE HIM FOR MY EX?

QMy for­mer fi­ancé has started con­tact­ing me again and has asked that we try to fix our re­la­tion­ship. The prob­lem is that I’m now married with two chil­dren and I’m re­ally not in love with my hus­band, who is un­em­ployed and abu­sive. What should I do? ANONY­MOUS, KIMBERLEY

AAt­tend to your mar­i­tal is­sues first and de­cide how you want to man­age them. You will not be able to fo­cus on your mar­i­tal is­sues if you start en­ter­tain­ing your ex-fi­ancé.

You had a rea­son for leav­ing the ex so be care­ful not to set­tle for less be­cause you want to run away from your cur­rent chal­lenges. Get pro­fes­sional help for you and your hus­band on how to deal with unem­ploy­ment and be­havioural change.

QIN LOVE WITH A MARRIED COL­LEAGUE

I am in love with my married col­league and he has started mak­ing moves on me. I’m tempted to start dat­ing him. Please help. ANONY­MOUS, TEMBISA

ATrust your gut feel­ing and if some­thing doesn’t feel right, then don’t do it. Dat­ing at work may not be the most ideal thing to do as you may find it dif­fi­cult sep­a­rat­ing work from your pri­vate life. Dat­ing a married per­son, means you will al­ways be sec­ond best, live with the guilt and so­ci­etal judge­ment.

QMy hus­band says that I don’t sat­isfy him in bed, even though I’m do­ing ev­ery­thing to please him.

He has cheated on me be­fore and I’m wor­ried that this is his way of telling me that he will go out and cheat again. What should I do? ANONY­MOUS, CAPE TOWN

AHE CLAIMS THAT I DON’T SAT­ISFY HIM

If your hus­band loves you and is com­mit­ted to your mar­riage, he will ad­dress what­ever is­sues he has in his house. If sex is a prob­lem, seek pro­fes­sional help from a sex ther­a­pist who can as­sess the sit­u­a­tion and guide you ac­cord­ingly. Go­ing out to cheat is a sign of non-com­mit­ment and an ex­cuse for mis­be­hav­ing. That is called emo­tional black­mail, he wants to makes you feel re­spon­si­ble for his be­hav­iour.

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