Experts explain how you can overcome your negative attitude and start enjoying sex again
NO ONE CAN TELL YOU HOW TO FEEL ABOUT YOUR SEXUALITY
SEX is an act of being intimate with your partner and it is meant to be enjoyed by both parties. However, life’s challenges can hinder your interest and attitude towards sex. All is not lost because you can revive your mindset and start enjoying sex.
WHY YOU HAVE A NEGATIVE ATTITUDE ABOUT SEX
Alessandra Newton, who is a counsellor at the Family Life Centre, says many women who have been or witnessed someone being sexually assaulted may have a negative outlook on sex. “Rape can scar victims for life, especially if they do not seek professional help. Victims may view sex and rape the same way,” she says.
“Some women, who might have seen their parents have sex, may hate sex as they were exposed to it at an early age.” Your parents might have given you lots of warnings about sex which instilled fear in you, like the fear of getting pregnant. “You may also fear contracting sexually transmitted infections (STIs) because you’ve witnessed or heard of people who have suffered due to their sexual experiences,” she says.
UNPLEASANT OUTLOOK ON SEX
Alessandra says after giving birth, sex might be the last thing on your mind. “You might feel unattractive or simply want to focus on your child,” she says.
She adds that menopause and never having participated in an enjoyable sexual experience are some contributors to an unpleasant outlook on sex.
One of the worst situations that will hinder your attitude about sex, according to Alessandra, is if you and your partner took a sex video and somehow it got leaked. “The video might be shared on social media and people might comment negatively about you. This can be extremely traumatic,” she says.
VIEWING SEX DIFFERENTLY
Life coach and author, Amanda Ndiki, says you need to find your personal perceptions about sex.
“Start by asking yourself, ‘What is my attitude towards sexuality in relation to myself and others? What does being alive sexually mean to me and how does it make me feel?’” asks Amanda. “Sexuality is a unique and meaningful way to feel close and connected to someone, but no one can tell you how to feel about your sexuality. When you can uncover and accept your own feelings, you can feel more fulfilled in your sexual relationships. It is very important to peel off the negativity from external forces and start finding a new voice within yourself.”
OVERCOMING YOUR FEARS
Alessandra says if you have been abused, go for counselling and speak to a professional about your experience. If you have a fear of contracting infections, she says it is better to get to know the person, their lifestyle and habits before sleeping with them. “Always use condoms and contraceptives. It is also important for you and your partner to test regularly for HIV.”
If you are a new mom and you are worried about your image, Alessandra advises that you speak to your partner and find a way forward. “You can also have oral sex and avoid penetrative sex until you are ready,” she says. When you want your partner to please you sexually, but you find it hard to say, Alessandra recommends that you show your partner, for example, take your partner’s hands and place it where you want it on your body.