To be in a re­la­tion­ship or not: is it self­ish to want to be alone?

Saturday Star - - NEWS - ADELÉ GREEN

ARE YOU ready to dis­cover emo­tion-free re­la­tion­ships?

This week’s ques­tion comes from Roxy in Bed­ford­view: “Is it self­ish to not want a re­la­tion­ship with some­one to keep one­self sane and with less drama? It can be lonely at times, but work, kids and my re­la­tion­ship with my­self just seem so much bet­ter with­out some­one else to please. And some­thing that I want even more than to be with some­one else, is to be con­tent.”

For many peo­ple who are com­mit­ted to a per­sonal de­vel­op­ment path, there comes a time when they make a con­scious choice to be in a re­la­tion­ship or not. If it is self­ish to choose to be on your own, it de­pends a lot on your per­sonal ex­pec­ta­tions of what re­la­tion­ships should be like. Only you can an­swer that ques­tion.

Val­ues are based on which con­sid­er­a­tions a per­son thinks are im­por­tant. To con­sciously help you an­swer your own ques­tion, I will men­tion a few.

If we look at it from a woman’s per­spec­tive of what is self­ish, what comes to mind is that our cul­ture asks of us to con­sider oth­ers be­fore we think of our­selves. Our na­ture to nur­ture gives us this warped idea that we must put oth­ers first.

The truth is that no one can re­ally love another be­fore you learn to love your­self.

A part­ner­ship mo­ti­vates us to be mind­ful of another per­son’s val­ues with each de­ci­sion that we make. With­out a part­ner, life cer­tainly can be eas­ier on the emo­tions, but it lacks other nor­mal hu­man needs.

With­out a part­ner, you need to be able to do ev­ery­thing your­self that a part­ner brings to the re­la­tion­ship, that is, in­come and chores which re­quire typ­i­cal male skills and strength. If you can fill those roles in a dif­fer­ent way, the big­gest chal­lenge is to “feel loved”.

Few women are able to ex­pe­ri­ence “feel­ing loved”. Per­haps their lives are suc­cess­ful and they are busy with no phys­i­cal need for a man. Un­ex­pected mo­ments oc­cur when they re­alise that some­thing is miss­ing, like when they are alone in a beau­ti­ful place with no one to share the ex­pe­ri­ence with.

Iron­i­cally, of­ten the ac­com­plish­ments which made them suc­cess­ful pre­vent them from pri­ori­tis­ing a part­ner.

We re­sist this no­tion that it is our role to please a part­ner. The con­cept: “Happy wife, happy life!” (or its op­po­site). If you fo­cus on mak­ing your­self happy and be­com­ing con­tent, you are ready to raise the bar and al­low a part­ner to chal­lenge you just a tad more.

Con­scious re­la­tion­ships al­low us to grow as we go.

The idea is not to please some­one else, but to be emo­tion­ally free in a re­la­tion­ship, where your only re­spon­si­bil­ity is to be authen­tic and find com­mon ground with your part­ner. Both your val­ues are im­por­tant.

We never ask a ques­tion un­less we are ready to an­swer it. My guess is you have your an­swer. All you need to do is trust your­self and be hon­est.

Adelé Green pro­vides an­swers here when posted on www.adele-green.com/askadele/ or con­fi­den­tial, fee-for-ser­vice in­di­vid­ual coach­ing via Skype. She is a trans­for­ma­tion spe­cial­ist coach and au­thor of Can You See Me Naked: Grow in a con­scious re­la­tion­ship. Also lis­ten to #360Brunch on mix93.fm on Sun­days.

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