What’s more, he was in ‘True Lies’
‘THE second that Governor Schwarzenegger walks into a room, everything stops,” gushed a voiceover in reference to the new Celebrity Apprentice host. That “everything” apparently also includes the show’s ratings. Arnie has already been terminated in his hosting role, so the series currently on DStv will remain a one-off historical relic.
I stole that line about Schwarzenegger being terminated from the man himself. It’s his catchphrase on the show. “You’re terminated!” he would say, stabbing his index finger at someone. Because he played The Terminator, you see. I think the new Celebrity Apprentice basically buckled under the crushing weight of all its references to Arnie’s movies. “I’m back!” he announced as he entered the boardroom, even though he’d never set foot in there before.
You will have heard by now of the unseemly glee with which Schwarzenegger’s predecessor in the hosting role greeted Arnie’s ratings disaster. Donald Trump even took time out from accusing Obama of treason to register his delight at the show’s flop. Schwarzenegger had previously responded to Trump’s taunting by suggesting they trade roles: Donald resumes his place at the helm of The Apprentice, and Arnie becomes president of the US. It’s a sign of how close we are to the apocalypse that this switcheroo actually sounds quite appealing.
I thought the show might give an intriguing glimpse into how different things could be if the Muscles from Austria really were president. That hope lasted until five minutes into the first episode, when Schwarzenegger introduced his “most trusted adviser”: his nephew. So much for that idea.
In the course of the show, Schwarzenegger terminates a series of mediocre celebrities who perform poorly at business tasks. As is always the case with The Apprentice, each episode functions as a lengthy infomercial for a particular product that the contestants have to market. For the first task, it was supermodel Tyra Banks’s makeup range, which bears the bizarre tag line “The only thing I smoke is my eyes” — conjuring up the ghoulish spectacle of two peepers on sosatie sticks over a fire.
“Let us be able to communicate Tyra’s vision,” the female contestants prayed in a circle beforehand, like members of a creepy cult. They didn’t, as it turned out. Tyra was cross because they didn’t mention her TyGlide technology enough in their sales pitch.
I’m not sure why this series tanked so badly, because it’s hilarious. It’s also a welcome education for the generation of kids who do not know Arnold Schwarzenegger as a cheesy actor; only as the governor of California. One day soon, it strikes me, there will also be kids who never knew Trump as a reality-TV buffoon — only as president. Sad!