SEIZE THE YEAR
These tips will help take the sting out of returning to reality after the holidays
Guy is worried his wife is cheating on him. I know this because he wrote to ask my advice. His suspicions were raised when, after 12 years of same-old, sameold wedded bliss, his wife started doing some new tricks in the bedroom, plus she’s commented obscurely twice in the last year on the size of his penis.
I feel terrible for Guy, not just because he seems like a lovely, honest guy and he’s having a rough time. But more importantly because any advice I could give him would most certainly be misguided. You have to wonder how little help there is out there, that a stranger has to resort to a newspaper columnist who has had a longer physical relationship with chips than she has with any human being.
But where else is there for the average Guy to turn? The internet is the obvious choice, but this morning the search phrase “How to make my penis bigger” elicited more than 17 million results in less than half a second. That’s an overwhelming amount of content and unsolicited penis pump ads on your timeline and in your inbox for the rest of time. I wouldn’t even know where to start finding honest answers and decent non-fake-news facts in all of that.
I really didn’t want to let Guy down, so after the internet, I turned to the sex self-help section in my local book store.
The irony is that I had to ask for help finding the self-help section. Not a great start. No wonder people are turning to clueless columnists. It turns out that section in the book store is not called “Self-help” anymore. Now it’s called “Psychology” and also “Mind, Body, Spirit”, and it’s very close to the “Religion” section, which is not helpful. Guy and I can pray all we want, it won’t make his wife stop cheating.
I picked up a book called The Cosmic Power Within You by Joseph Murphy PhD, DD, but, disappointingly, that turned out not to be about large penises at all.
In fact, there weren’t any sex advice books for sale that I could find. Thanks to the net, kids no longer need to page through those and National Geographics, to see pictures of boobs and find out about the birds and the bees, like we did in the ’80s.
I suppose the term “sex self-help” has another meaning these days, and you can’t very well put a book in that section if it’s not about masturbation.
I’m sorry, Guy, I tried. Your wife may well be cheating and have size issues, or maybe she just decided to shake things up in the bedroom, and you could return the favour. You know what they say, it’s not the size of the wave, it’s the motion of the ocean.
But more importantly, a caveat: any advice you find in among these words is purely accidental, and you should definitely not try any of this at home.
* Name changed to protect Guy.
Dr T will be back next week.
So it’s January already. Back-to-school ads have reminded you of your responsibilities (all those lists, all that shopping), and it’s time for you to get back to the office and be polite to your colleagues, who always want to make light conversation with you before you have had your morning kick of caffeine. You have to do it, but how?
1. Get into a routine
Suck it up. Set the pace for the year ahead and settle in to your routine as soon as you can. It will be tough to reset your body clock after weeks of lazy mornings and late nights but stick to the same sleeping pattern and it will become easier.
2. Exercise
Nobody decent really enjoys exercise but regular exercise need not be either vigorous or monotonous. After abusing your liver and your gut over the festive season your body deserves fitness now more than ever. Walk the dogs yourself for once, or find something you would like to try, like boxing or dancing. The hardest part of exercise is starting your fitness regime — make like Nike and Just Do It. Join something in a group so that you stay accountable and just make it fun. Do not lose sight of those new year’s resolutions you always slack on.
3. Buy the back-to-school stuff
No, we’re not talking about the kids (this should be done already). We’re talking about you. Plan a fun day trip and get some cool pens and stuff. Good stationery makes for good productivity. Doing this will wrap your head around the fact that the holidays are over and you need to get back to work soon.
4. Make your work space lovable
Declutter and organise your work space. It will focus your mind on what needs to be done in the new year and clear your mind of the old stuff you do not need any longer. If you make your work space an enjoyable place to be in, it will make work nicer to be at. Whether that means making it all feng shui, improving your filing system, investing in that chair you want or decluttering your computer, now’s the time.
5. Keep your social life alive
The end of the holidays does not mean the end of all things fun! Nor does it mean that any social event may only take place on weekends. Forget the countdown to Friday and make plans with friends and family throughout the week. Have a picnic with the kids, have a braai, go on a date; the list of options is endless. There is no need to become a robot slave to the system when the holidays end. Believe it or not, you are in charge of your life and doing more fun things will actually make it more fun. Do not waste most of the coming year on feeling miserable about work.
6. Make some goals
It is time for the annual flood of the “new year, new me” spiel. Why not join the party? Make a list of things you would like to achieve throughout the year and try to avoid losing momentum by keeping this list somewhere you will see it every day. Aim for a promotion, a holiday, a better fitness level, or a happier life, and work towards those in every way possible.
I picked up a book called The Cosmic Power Within You but it turned out not to be about large penises at all
7. Plan another holiday
This is an extension of No 6 but making a big goal like a small getaway won’t just give you something to work towards but also something to count down to. If you insist on loathing your working life, this will get you through it. The post-holiday slump is a universal truth and beating it is understandably difficult, but it is possible. Embrace your inner Instagram teen girl and “make 2018 your year”.