Let’s Talk About Sex

DR TLALENG MOFOKENG

answers your intimate questions I am struggling to move on after my wife died. Can you help?

Losing someone we love is one of the hardest things we have to face in life.

As the living partner, you may have an ongoing relationship and deep bond with the deceased partner for years, and that relationship remains a central aspect of your life.

The stages of grief are understood to be:

● Shock, disbelief, numbness

● Denial

● Panic

● Anger

● Guilt

● Depression

● Acceptance

Most grieving people experience at least some of these stages, but there is no set order for these feelings. In time, you will accept that your partner is not coming back. You will struggle through many “firsts” without your partner by your side. Sometimes friends or family will get impatient if you’re not “over it” after a certain period.

VERY VULNERABLE

Not everyone is open to the idea of dating again, finding a new lover and or being in a new relationship.

Dating after bereavement can be challenging. Emotionally you might still be feeling very vulnerable and, although you may feel ready to date again, feeling so vulnerable may make you doubt if you are making the right decision. Rejection can plunge you back into the depths of despair and self-doubt.

It is possible to enter a new and meaningful relationship without denying your emotions or minimising the importance of your former relationship.

It can be more difficult to be intimate, yet for some people it is not. Some people may have concerns about intimacy arising from the anxiety that they might lose someone again or fear of new relationships. Commonly, they are concerned about not maintaining fidelity to the deceased spouse. This can exacerbate the avoidance of intimacy.

The truth is, women are judged more harshly for moving on, moving or changing homes or taking the ring off or dating too quickly, and many are criticised openly.

If you experience difficulties with arousal or performance anxiety, consult a sex therapist. Depending on the assessment, you may require bereavement counselling and support.

Grief is deeply personal and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Dr Tlaleng Mofokeng (MBChB), sexual and reproductive health practice, Disa Clinic, safersex.co.za

E-mail your questions to lifestyle@sundaytimes.co.za with SEX TALK as the subject. Anonymity is assured.