HOGARTH

A Juju on Zondo’s stoep?

Deputy chief justice Raymond Zondo must be cursing the day he was tasked with chairing the state capture inquiry. Last week there were mumbles in the gallery that the commission might be cursed after several power cuts, problems with the sound, and the judge got stuck in the lift.

This week, the EFF’s red brigade arrived to protest outside the commission, resulting in the deployment of riot police and the erection of barricades. Zondo also had to put up with blaring karaoke squawks while trying to listen to public enterprises minister Pravin Gordhan’s testimony.

Then the commander-in-thief of the Endless Flip Floppers ranted about the commission, even accusing the judge of stealing from the poor.

Hogarth thinks Zondo might need to see a sangoma as there is clearly a juju on his commission.

Anal-ysis of a weekend staff crisis

Former Treasury director-general Lungisa Fuzile this week told the state capture inquiry how, during an official meeting, weekend special Des van Rooyen could not differentiate between his two Gupta advisers, Mohamed Bobat and Ian Whitley — not knowing which of the two was adviser and which chief of staff. Word is that Des had never met either until he was sworn in. Hogarth suspects the Gupta arm was so far up their puppet’s rectum that his eyesight was distorted.

Wrong protest, wrong address

Juju provided much needed comic relief to lowly paid journalists in Parktown. He flip-flopped so wildly that Hogarth’s colleagues had to look twice to make sure it was really him. The Uncle Pravin that Malema had called a “unifier” not so long ago had changed to a “dog of white monopoly capital”. But it seems Juju had not briefed his troops outside Hill on Empire. Gauteng Red Beret secretary Moshe Koma came to protest against someone else. He said: “Jordaan must resign, and Jordaan must leave.” Someone should have given him directions to Safa House in Nasrec.

A Russian hearing aid for No 2?

The Russian doctors tending to our No 2 have their work cut out. In parliament, the Cat was asked by the Red Berets’ Mbuyiseni Ndlozi about the implications of Eskom buying renewable power at R2/kWh and selling it at 89c. “Well … I am not aware of that information but I do not think it is logically correct for Eskom to sell electricity to the poor at very unaffordable prices when it buys it at a cheap price,” responded the Cat. DD may want to consult his Russian doctor again; the problem might be his hearing.

Convicts have hotline to the minister

Criminals in SA’s prisons are so brazen, they call justice and correctional services minister Michael Masutha from cellphones, devices not allowed in prisons.

Masutha revealed this at a press conference to talk about measures being taken by his department to deal with security challenges in the system. “I myself have received [calls] on numerous occasions because it seems my contact number is readily available to members of the public and I get all manner of calls 24/7. Some of those calls come from inmates. Ideally those calls should be from landlines, landline facilities that are available in our correctional facilities,” Masutha said.

“I will be lying if I say I never received a call [from] one or two inmates who claimed that they were inmates calling from a cellphone, from a correctional centre, and wanting my intervention on various complaints.” No wonder Masutha’s been lying low — he has new friends in orange.

It’s the horns of a dilemma for rhinos

Rhinos have survived for thousands of years. But of late, these special creatures have been under threat of extinction from uncontrolled poaching. Some Asian blokes are confusing their rather useless horns for Viagra. Now these endangered creatures have another threat to contend with. Mama Action — she who believes a devalued rand can just be picked up off the floor — has been made … wait for it … minister of environmental affairs. With her in charge of conservation, rhinos will soon be begging for extinction.