Hard luck and near-misses as Buffalo goes for broke
President Cyril Ramaphosa doesn’t get much opportunity for frivolous pastimes like golf, but with the festive season upon us there’s a chance for a quick nine holes on a course designed for our Buffalo Soldier. A man of the people, he’ll attract a gallery of fans cheering him on, and a sprinkling of detractors willing his every putt to stay out of the hole.
So, on the first tee at noon, Mzansi Country Club. The hole known as ANC Agony, par four. A few practice swings with the driver and the Buffalo crunches it down the middle, unsurprisingly, to grudging, muted applause from women’s and youth league types.
He’s left himself a longish second shot, over a blind rise. Leave it short and he’ll have to take his chances with the five iron. Too aggressive and he could end up in the water behind the green. He pushes it right: awful shot, really, which leaves him in the long grass where the hiss of snakes is a distraction. Worse still, he’s disrupted a secret meeting of striking caddies in a bluegum grove. He manages to chip it close to the hole, leaving a tricky putt on a green that is notoriously hard to read. Will it break left, or right? Two putts and it’s down. Sigh, bogey.
On to the par-three second, Bathabile’s Ballbreaker. A deceptively short hole, the Buffalo nonetheless has to cross a crocodile-infested water hazard. Does he go high and try to land it soft, or skid it in low with backspin? He’s played this hole before (bogey) and this time he’s left it on the edge of the green with his first.
The presidential ball is in the first cut of rough, and will require a leader’s finesse to put it close. Fans are urging him to chip it into the hole for a remarkable and unlikely birdie, but he takes the cautious route and leaves it just shy. A tricky downhill putt, which goes agonisingly close. A nervy-looking twitch and he’s left it short. Bogey — again.
The third hole, Recession Wrecker. A par four, dotted with bunkers, water traps and merciless rough. A solid tee shot leaves the Buffalo in the middle of the fairway, looking good. He tests the wind, and lines up for his second shot. As he does so, unruly caddies declare a dispute. Distracted, the Buffalo duffs his second shot, leaving him an almost impossibly high pitch over the trees. Clunk. More deadwood. He’s hit a branch, and finds himself in deep rough. He takes an unplayable lie, gets a drop, and somehow manages to scramble his fourth onto the green. A two-putt follows; the card is looking red.
The fourth hole, a par five they call Land of Hope and Glory. Teeing off with Julius Malema, Ramaphosa snap-hooks his ball into the deep left rough, not far from Juju’s, who seems happy nonetheless to be in the jungle. Juju insists local rules allow for, even encourage, players to take a free drop or two, but Ramaphosa is a stickler for Royal & Ancient rules, and dutifully penalises himself. This hole could ruin his round entirely. His third shot gets caught in the wind and finds the water short of the green. Another drop, a chip that he hits in the teeth and a disappointing two-putt. Double bogey.
A round that began so promisingly is fading in the late afternoon. The spring in the step is a bit forced. The whistle is losing its tune.
Onto the fifth, Prosecutor’s Curse, a par three. No point trying to force it, because many a player has come to grief on this stretch, trying to strong-arm an unlikely lackey into the hot seat at the National Prosecuting Authority.
The Buffalo goes in high with a nine iron, and the ball spends a long time airborne before pitching next to the hole. A short putt: his first birdie.
On to the par-five sixth, A State of Capture. Here, the rough towers over the golfers and their caddies, suggesting years of neglect — but in truth the result of assiduous cultivation by dark forces. Ramaphosa crunches it down the middle, and lands it on the green with the three wood. He putts for eagle, with Raymond Zondo tending the flag. A clutch of caddies in red overalls sing noisily and dance next to the hole, hollering about foreign bank accounts. It’s distracting, for sure, and while the eagle putt is missed, it’s still birdie.
The seventh and eighth — Moaning Moyane and Groaning Gigaba — are played solidly if unspectacularly, although there are loud, yet failed, appeals to rules officials.
The ninth, par five, Eskom Eish. A long, treacherous stretch on which many a player has had to forfeit a ball to the rough of intrigue. Dusk is near as the Buffalo finally plops it into a greenside bunker for four. Curses all round, because the bunker rake has been stolen and, believe it or not, the new flag has not yet arrived, its purchase and delivery frustrated by a tender dispute. In almost total darkness, the Buffalo chips it onto the green, two-putts and walks off with a double bogey.
Golf — a good walk ruined: a presidency tested.