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HERE are two reasons I like going to the Fish Hoek library. The first is the books. But then it’s a library, so that’s a given. The second is for the condoms.

If you visit the ladies room, and I suspect the gents as well (I didn’t check), you’ll find a dispenser beside the sink that’s full of free condoms. Slightly less so after I’ve visited.

I like it because unlike many establishments, these guys don’t skimp. Of course there are single wrapped condoms, but they also toss in bulk packs of 10. Whether that’s an indictment of the sexual drive of people living in Fish Hoek or just of those who work at the library, I can only speculate.

Forgive me for revealing my JewIrish roots, but have you seen the price of condoms? If you work it out based on cost-per-second, you’d also be scrabbling in the free johnny bin at the library. According to my maths, if we all do our jobs properly he’ll only be wearing the thing for about seven minutes. At R14 per condom, that’s steep. Of course cheaper than raising a child, but still, money is money.

And it’s not just the price of rubbers that’s off-putting, I struggle with the whole selection process, too. There are just too many to choose from, it’s like standing in the cereal aisle. And who’s naming these brands? There’s one called Mr Big. What if the guy I’m with next isn’t? Won’t it be embarrassing for both of us if the condom slips to his ankles like an old lady’s hose? But what if I buy the regular ones and they’re too small? I don’t want to choke the poor guy to death, or cut off his circulation.

Selection is more important than you’d think. That’s really not the time to be offending your guest by highlighting their short- or longcomings. So I’m always grateful for the pressure the free government Choice condoms take off my shoulders. Beggars can’t be choosers.

But I’m in the minority. When an author friend caught me at the library, stepping out of the ladies beaming, and I showed her my bulk stash (“That should have me covered for the weekend,” I lied smugly) she informed me that the Department of Health had procured 50 million free grapeflavoured condoms in response to research that revealed the youth think Choice condoms are boring, smelly, uncool and meh, and they don’t want to use them.

The government is watching the grape condoms closely. (Which reminds me of Canada, where many prostitutes use glow-in-the-dark condoms, so they can keep an eye on them.) Our health minister says if the grape rubbers go down well, they’ll launch banana-flavoured and strawberry-flavoured ones too.

I only have one question: if you go down on someone wearing a fruit-flavoured condom, can that be considered one of your five a day? I’m asking for a friend. LS • Paige Nick’s new book, Pens Behaving Badly, is in stores now (Kwela Books, R175)