Self-love holds the key to doing well in life

IT’S heart-warming to note the progress women are making in diverse fields. However, there seems to be one thing many still struggle to accomplish: self-love.

Traditionally, women have been raised to put others first, a noble deed, but in a world with changing roles and having to juggle responsibilities to prevent burnout, it’s almost necessary for women to put themselves first.

Self-love is not selfish – it’s a protective mechanism to enable women to thrive in various roles.

Women today juggle important roles – health, family, career. The reality is that if you don’t put yourself first, you’re not the only one who may be disadvantaged.

Think for a moment of everyone who depends on you – parents, siblings, spouse, children, employers, employees. Not putting yourself first has more negative consequences than we realise.

No is a simple word, but one of the hardest for women to utter. Trying to please everyone, we can burn out and become unhappy easily.

When people realise you struggle to say no, you are often the first they will turn to for anything.

It’s crucial to set healthy boundaries for your own wellbeing. There will always be those who will make you feel bad for saying no – but there’s nothing selfish about it; it is an act of selfrespect.

You have permission to say no to anything that upsets your peace of mind. Also, no is a complete sentence. If you try to justify your no, you somehow allow the other person to believe they are entitled.

Toxic people are all around us and although we can’t always avoid them, we can always create distance.

Some toxic people are easier to identify than others – for example, co-workers who make nasty comments or relatives who are in constant competition.

There are others, however, who are more difficult to identify. A good guide is to notice how you feel after spending time with people.

Some examples of toxic people are friends who disguise jealousy through indirect comments (“I could have also chosen to do a PHD, but it’s more important to me to be a good mother”) or “you’ve lost weight – are you stressed?”

Real friends will be genuinely happy about your achievements.

Then there are the takers, who expect a lot but offer nothing in return (sometimes not even a caring ear or words of comfort when you’ve had a hard day).

When physical distance is not possible, we can always mentally detach ourselves from such people.

With some, it’s possible to assert yourself by saying you found their comments hurtful; with others, it’s best to minimise contact.

Our lives have become so rushed that it’s difficult to truly enjoy anything anymore. But experiences (often tragic) remind us that life is short.

Children grow up, our health declines and we can never go back. So there’s one thing you can do to make your life meaningful: live in the moment.

It doesn’t require anything complicated, except truly savouring your cup of coffee, allowing yourself to get immersed in a good book, enjoying quality time with your children (who will soon grow up) and limiting the use of technology that requires us to be constantly available and makes us easily distracted.

Comparison is the thief of joy and the more we strive to be like others, the further we are from our authentic selves.

The beauty of authenticity is that we cannot compare ourselves unfavourably to others because we realise we are different.

Women are more likely to compare themselves negatively to others than men, especially in terms of physical attributes.

Part of self-love is accepting yourself. If there’s anything nobody can beat you at, it’s at being you. True friends will always accept you as you are… and you’ll feel lighter not having to keep up with others’ expectations.

You have the power to choose your thoughts and self-talk. Always strive to find the positive in any situation.

It’s not uncommon to have been criticised as a child (sometimes unintentionally). The problem is that some adults have internalised these criticisms and it unconsciously becomes their inner voice.

Take note of your inner voice and self-talk. Are you more likely to run yourself down about what you could have done better?

Make a conscious effort to empower yourself with your thoughts.

Our experiences help us learn and grow. You will always have your own back, so you are the best person to encourage yourself to achieve your goals and dreams.

Self-love, self-compassion, selfacceptance and self-respect are all essential ingredients to creating healthy self-esteem and living a life that is meaningful.

Beekrum is a counselling psychologist.